Oct 6th, The 6th day in the hospital.

When you spend 6 days in the hospital you start questioning yourself mentally and physically. You start replying scenarios real and imagined. You start thinking of things that may have triggered the events. You start thinking of the people you may have hurt, how they think of you. How you are going to overcome even the smallest obstacle in the chance for recovery. They say he is getting better but mental he feels he is going crazier. How often can you watch tv, how often can you write, how often can you read the same passages over and over again. Well, let me tell you alot. Cause that is all he could do. The same doctors come in day in and day out. The psychiatrist comes in and they speak about problems and solutions. Temporary fixes to temporary solutions right. They move him to a full liquid diet.(http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/patientinstructions/000206.htm). They keeping telling him that he is improving. He doesn't feel that way. He feels worse and worse. Mental stress and anguish takes its toll on you. He sits in a room all day by himself. No one comes, no one goes. Its a hard process. It takes its toll on you. Day in and day out. He has seen this episode of Supernatural before. Its better than nothing he gathers. They take the oxygen off. So he is clear to move around on his own. Showers are easier to take even though they have a special unit that you have to cover to make the water run. The trick is to wet a few paper towels and cover the device so it keeps going. He stays in the water for about an hour. To kill time to relax. To just relax. He seems to be getting better. They don't tell him but he has lost weight. He won't find out until later how much he has lost. They stop checking blood. The worst is behind him ( so it seems). Anti-depressants to help mental stability, sleeping pills to help sleep at night. He still stays up till midnight most nights. Its hard to sleep in a foreign environment where people are screaming and crying and just being nothing seems to be what it should. People come and people go. The first question he gets asked from another patient " Why are you here?" What the fuck are you asking me that for how about leave me the fuck alone.  He smiles " To get better" He is a drug addict. He just doesn't care. He looks at the nurses and doctors behind there work station jealous, envious, they come and go freely while he is stuck in this never ending cycle that just doesn't want to let him off the merry go round. Some of the nurses are very attractive. He looks like shit. Why would he have to meet someone that attractive looking like he was just dug up from the grave. Because that is the great thing about life it throws little surprises at you. He shouldn't think about women right now. He should get healthy. How do you get healthy. By staying on task. What task? What chores? He is lost, confused. He is a live how many people can say that ( most statics show that for ever 1 person who dies from suicide an average of 20 to 30 people live. That is about a 5% odds to actual kill yourself a 95% chance to live. He is officially part of the 95%. They also say that most people within the first year attempt a second or third suicide attempt.) 6 days, its been 6 days 359 more to go. Only 359 more to go. 359!