A little bit about myself and my history.

I have started this story without telling anyone who I am or about myself and my history. I decided today would be the day to really confront my past and my story. I started writing this blog as an expression of myself and as a courageous way to get my actions out there. Every story that is told is another step forward to a socially acceptable society in which our past actions won't be judged or condemned. Everyone has monsters under there bed. Some are more horrific then others. But that is not any reason that you should judge people based on there traumatic experiences and how bad they have it compared to others. What you should be doing is opening up your ears and listening to this individual open up there soul to you some one they trust and felt should hear there story.  There is a movie called Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler, where he comes out of the therapists office and his friend is sitting there waiting for him at this point in the story he has left the therapist office early a few times and this time she tells him as long as he talks to someone it doesn't matter who it would be beneficial to him. So Adams character goes out and he starts talking to his friend about the events that made him what he is today. Its a heart breaking story, I won't tell it to you I would instead suggest watching the movie. Especially if you know or are yourself suffering through depression or any other mental illness. This movie speaks to my soul every time I watch it. Sometimes I wonder if I will every get to that point where I just lose myself to this daily battle and just say fuck the world and just become a recluse and decide not to be a part of society anymore. That day has yet to come. So my story begins when I am 10 years old. The first time I thought that the world would seriously be better off with out me. It wasn't such a revelation, there always comes a point when someone thinks about there own death but at 10 years old that seems an extreme. It gradual disappeared and he forgot about the experience and moved forward. 3 years later he thinks about it again this time with a little more intent. He looks up to the sky and curses the world and god asking why this is happening and why him and to take him off this planet. No such thing. Fast forward 2 more years. He is still moving forward struggling with depression, struggling with life. He barely goes to school, he works a full time job. Its either work or school. He choice work. 15 years old working full time. That is a little extreme but he doesn't care. One day he decides to go back to school or the choice was made for him by his parents so he goes back and within a week he is back on schedule with all the other students even though he missed almost a full term a complete year. He taught himself most of the missed work in a week. The teachers just look at him. Rumors spread he died. He doesn't care. He just moves forward. So much to accomplish so little time. He starts dating, he slowly moves forward. Life is getting better he forgets about his depression his problems. He still suffers from mood swings one day happy or bland to anger. Its a side effect of his illness. He doesn't yet understand this is not normal. He keeps moving forward. He takes it one day at a time. Move forward two years. He has started dating a girl and he will for another year and half during this time he will find work and slowly move forward. This is where I will end today and pick it up tomorrow.