1:24AM “ Lol..yes I’m working as usual.”
1:56AM “that is good thought at least you are working”
3:05AM “Yeah but I wouldn't mind being home….I pay for a house I’m never even at”
3:20AM “ but at least you have that option some people don’t even have that”
3:22AM “True..but I would like to be home that’s all I’m saying”
3:33AM “ I understand I wanna be home to than in the hospital”
3:34AM “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be there either”
3:39AM “ well i gotta get better so i can get a chance to”
4:32AM “ I am gonna try and nap so take it easy.”
Who naps at 4:32AM? Well I did. Sleep in the hospital is overrated. It was better than my failed attempt to re-establish a friendship. When you are so emotionally drained tears can’t come. I was so sick of crying anyway. My failure, another to add to the list. How is it possible to suck this much at life. Failed marriage, failed suicide attempt, failed jobs, failed...I am a failure. It’s easy to be so negative. Where are the tears. God, this bed is so uncomfortable. Comfort. I don’t deserve it…. Why won’t I just die… I can’t die, I’m like a cockroach. Just can’t die… But I am a bug…
My thoughts race… I call the nurse like clock work.. pain and nausea medicine… That’s the way to go high... as a kite….The hours creep by in his medicine induced high… He hasn’t eaten food in 7 days. His umbilical cord is attached to the wall. Where are the tears? How bad do you think it is to have no one visit you? How about when you’re in the hospital twice? Do the red flags go off? Loser,pathetic,hopeless,scum,worthless,needy,self-centered,useless,weak… So much to deal with.Maybe I should have let myself...die. To sleep… perchance to dream… What time is it?
5:38 PM “ whats your favorite color?”
5:59PM “Blue...black...dark colors why?”
6:03PM “curiosity figured it might be a good idea to get to know you as a person if we are going to have a friendship”
6:31PM “ Lol true… what about you?”
6:36PM “pink panties! no, just kidding I am not sure to be honest what my favorite color is anymore”
I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. My disassociation with reality has come full circle. I have no self identity. Who am I? What do I want, need, desire? I have amnesia but I have memories I hate.Loathe. God, what am I doing? Take me away and put me in a better place.
10:56PM “robins egg blue”
10:58PM “ That’s such a sissy color lol ;) “
10:58 PM “so is pink panties but you know I had to choose one”
11:01PM “ Pink panties is a noun, robins egg blue is a verb or adjective...which ever it is lol”
11:01PM “ no its not robins egg blue is a noun too the bird its own egg is blue.”
I have failed, I should say I love you. I always have. You complete me! In sign language! I am sorry you hate me, I hate me. What can I do to fix this? Is there a fix? Time… FUCK!!! Fuck time! I hate time…. Time…. what time is it...Relief time… Sleep perchance to
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