tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41848612929888410122024-03-13T16:28:32.168-04:00Journal of a Suicide AttemptThis is a journal of a suicide attempt. Its pretty graphic. Please be kind and leave comments and thoughts. I am hoping to spread awareness of this issue that plagues our communities and the burden it brings on both survivors and suffers.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-51409488431570419312015-09-16T13:27:00.000-04:002015-09-16T13:27:00.503-04:00Year in reflection. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Its been 2 years since that fateful day of Oct 1st, 2013. Its now Sept 16th, 2015. I constantly look back and analyze my life and make sure I am on some track or plan or anything.<br />
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A few things that this last year has showed me. Struggle is never ending. No matter where you are, where you are at, the struggle is real. That doesn't mean you have to live in struggle it just means that life is a struggle. You struggle to survive, you struggle to do the right things, you struggle to live your life how you feel it should be. Struggling is what you make it. I read a quote this morning, it said the more success you achieve the more difficult the problems we face. I am paraphrasing here but it spoke to me. It told me that every time I achieve something I want. Something else is going to crop up! How we deal with these struggles internal and external plays an important role in our development as a human being.<br />
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I learned that learning is fundamental. I constantly read. I read about self-improvement, money management, time management, social skills, selling skills, social media skills, small business, investing. Pretty much no subject is free from my prying hands and wandering eyes. Why? One I enjoy to read, but in ones life time 100 years my experiences will never been enough to master all of these subjects from direct experience (they say 10,000 hours of practicing a subject is mastery, average life of 75 years = 657,000 hours, math 75*365*24 . 75 years by 365 days in a year by 24 hours in a day). So, if you read a subject constantly and take that knowledge and make it your own, you might be able to say master it in less time or would you really want to spend every year mastering one subject? That might be cool taking one year to learn something new each year.<br />
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I have also learned that people who care about you will care about you no matter who or what you are. That doesn't mean that you can be a crazy psycho killer ( or it could you never know ) but people who like you are going to see the good in you and enjoy your presence. I have had some amazing friends that I have lost touch with in the past few years and I came and went, did my thing and tried to not be an inconvenience to most people. But, sometimes just sometimes people want to be inconvenienced if the issue is important enough. That doesn't mean take advantage of that person, but you have to be an equal force in their life as your own and they will be the same for you. ( I love all my friends who read this and who understand my crazy ass!)<br />
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For everyone else. I am a survivor. I learned I will survive just about anything and everything. If I can do it so can you. Have faith, be strong, be more to yourself and someone in your life. Give a helping hand. Don't let that one hour of misery affect(effect) a life time of purpose. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-36171653314541611622014-08-15T08:06:00.002-04:002014-08-15T08:06:54.879-04:00Do I want to write to live, or do I live to write? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hello everyone. <div>
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It's been a few months since I have last written a word on these tattered pages that I call my personal journal. I keep staring at it, wondering if me immortalizing my thoughts and my actions was a spiritual uplifting idea or was it just a brazen way for me to step out of my cowardice and ask for help? </div>
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I used to write daily. I had the time, so I wrote. Or did I make time to write every day and just found the time to do everything else? I have been suicide free for almost a year. Oct 1st is coming soon. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes think to myself how difficult things have been (I make them more difficult by allowing myself to quit when things start changing).</div>
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I keep trying to include myself in my own decision making process, but sometimes I just jump and end up doing something I have no idea what I am doing. </div>
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As I write this I am trying to improve every aspect of myself. I think every day I will write a small little paragraph or two about what I am learning. Come join me. Maybe we can all do this together. Don't let your illness, whether mental or physical define you. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-74655122022573645902014-01-19T17:08:00.005-05:002014-01-19T17:08:46.028-05:00A passage from my upcoming book. Its Untitled so far. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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A small desert town lies in ruins. Flames coming pouring out
of the windows of the First Baptist Church on Main St. The largest building in
the center of town, the First Baptist Church was built when founding this town.
It smells of methane gas. No one knows what happened. So much carnage it
controlled the night, so much chaos. Dead bodies piled in the streets. A small
mass of survivors stands at the edge of town. The women are crying, the babies
are crying. The men stand their solemn faced. One speaks up above the sounds of
the fire burning down their town. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“We need to get out of here and head for the nearest town” A
younger male, barely drinking age. He has been trying to grow a beard for
months to fit in with the other burly men, but he can barely grow stubble on
his chin. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Where do you suggest, we go. Huh? The closest town is 100 of
miles.” One of the female counters him. She is an older lady. With white wisps
in her hair, she carries a baby under her protective arms. She stares at the
town with haunted eyes. Her family was one of the founding members. She turns
to look at the young male. </div>
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“What, John, you were on a roll! “ She speaks with
heavy sarcasm. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Well, Linda. What do you suggest? No one here can fight a 3
square mile fire! Can you Linda?” John spits back at her. He turns to face her
with contempt in his eyes. Linda turns to look back at John with hatred in her
eyes. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-4991024504839446202014-01-14T11:34:00.000-05:002014-01-14T11:34:01.344-05:00Forrest Gump (Part 2 of 2) <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LsaaSFpBTjA/UtVmaqHcRlI/AAAAAAAAAnI/rZOsrLNgsI8/s1600/Forrest+Gump+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LsaaSFpBTjA/UtVmaqHcRlI/AAAAAAAAAnI/rZOsrLNgsI8/s1600/Forrest+Gump+2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.speakinggump.com/wordpress/?m=201103">http://www.speakinggump.com/wordpress/?m=201103</a>(Source)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There are a few scenes that really stand out in my mind. The first would be after Forrest gets "bit". When Lt. Dan and Forrest are on the floor laying there, and Lt. Dan is screaming at Forrest for saving his life. Saying he was supposed to die, it was his destiny.<br />
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Google defines destiny as the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. Hmm? I had to look up <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="07ba7b03-59af-458d-bff2-4dc6d8957870" id="6735ec0a-7fda-4d98-8be8-d5e76e874f16">necassarily</span> in this instance for context. It means <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="dcf9f12d-2203-4880-9797-3d1a7d5077d4" id="32c644a2-27d4-43a8-ba9d-c4096f568e50">inevitably</span>. So, take out <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="9dbb4396-c7f1-4a8d-91a3-ad3b3bd7c063" id="a4efa910-05aa-4c89-be7c-5cb6396fd262">necassarily</span> and insert inevitably. <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="56747e62-7d7b-4291-9a5b-5ad7c2a64994" id="d40158d9-de3e-423e-a888-2b227c0a4dbd">Lets</span> redefine destiny, the events that will inevitably happen. That seems a little bit more concrete. That also explains Lt. Dan's thinking.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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He was supposed to die, nothing could stop it, his destiny. Clearly that was not what destiny had in store. As I examined this scene with a fine tooth comb, I realized the subtleties of everything going on. Facial expressions, words expressed, words meant, understanding and misunderstanding. If you have a moment locate that scene and watch it, absorb everything.<br />
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Back to topic, Lt. Dan's destiny. How would he know his own destiny, it seems a little grasping. There are some people who know that they are going to be actors, doctors, lawyers, and so forth. Is that really destiny or strong determination? I thought my destiny finally took place. I was gonna die before I hit 30. Reality helped drive that point. My world crashed, I crashed and <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="745a52b6-7738-4adb-8d25-eaebbcbec41a" id="287d0dce-4ee3-4ff3-8b29-5bcb197c3bde">bam</span> <a href="http://journalofasuicideattempt.blogspot.com/2013/11/oct-1-2013-suicide-attempt.html" target="_blank">suicide <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="745a52b6-7738-4adb-8d25-eaebbcbec41a" id="c25735bb-fb49-4e90-8cfd-4043e2a5784d">attempt</span>.</a> But my reality and destiny changed, or my perception of my destiny. As you watch this scene look at the reactions. Reality has a way of changing everything.<br />
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Written by Thomas Thibodeau<br />
All copyrights are in Part 1 of 2.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-63789274026133445412014-01-11T11:35:00.000-05:002014-01-11T11:35:04.043-05:00Forrest Gump (Man,myth, legend) finding inspiration from unlikely sources. Part 1 of 2 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Scene-A man sits on a bench in Savannah, Georgia; waiting for a bus to show up. " Hello, my name's Forrest, Forrest Gump"* End Scene. I have been a fan of actor Tom Hanks for years. From coming of age movie " Big" to romantic comedies " Sleepless in Seattle".<br />
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Tom Hanks has been a staple in my household for years, 20 plus years in fact. This is not about Tom Hanks acting career. I would need a few weeks to write that. This is about his character Forrest Gump<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XzGB3wEYPnM/UtFyY8J06LI/AAAAAAAAAlY/5zcx-LqQrU4/s1600/Forrest+Gump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XzGB3wEYPnM/UtFyY8J06LI/AAAAAAAAAlY/5zcx-LqQrU4/s1600/Forrest+Gump.jpg" height="320" width="224" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forrest_Gump_(character)">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forrest_Gump_(character)</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A bus pulls into the scene, blocking a young man sitting at the bus stop. As the bus pulls away *Pan view* A woman comes walking onto the scene from far left she is headed towards the bench, she sits. " You want a chocolate, I can eat a million and a half of these, Mommy always said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." Scene, obviously there is more to this scene but I just wanted to set the stage.<br />
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At an early age Forrest did what he was told. The best example is when he goes to school for the first time. He doesn't step foot onto the bus without introducing himself first. A rule his mother ingrained in his head.<br />
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As the movie progresses, he does what he is told. He is in boot camp and his Drill Sergeant asks him why he put his gun together so fast, Gump answers "Because you told me too Drill Sergeant"<br />
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Why do I bring this up, two reasons skepticism and disbelief. Aren't they the same, probably. My skepticism says never do what you're told, unless facts state otherwise. My disbelief, is that doing everything you are told can get you everywhere! Yes, I know, movies and all, happy endings, but what about social media guru's, business coaches, self-help seminars; explain those, they work?<br />
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As I sat and watched Forrest Gump again yesterday, my brain starting picking up little niches subtleties I never noticed before. They started clicking...<br />
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If you have any movie's you would like to write about for finding hidden suggestions on motivation or inspiring scenes please leave a comment or message me.<br />
(Part 2 coming soon)<br />
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<h5 dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.275; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 8pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* All quotes or movie related information is from the movie Forrest Gump </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Copyright Holder</span></h5>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-685c7c1b-8221-ca1a-9f60-e799a9b46e19"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Copyright © MCMXC<span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="fcd5e511-d070-4715-9392-e22376876e6e" id="7e4697b0-6cdf-4f5c-823f-320c493cdc73">!</span>V by Paramount Pictures Corporation (on print); Paramount Pictures Corporation; 22 September 1994; LP43355) (in copyright registry) * </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-25465720914234035372014-01-09T14:56:00.001-05:002014-01-09T14:56:31.524-05:00Change its bound to happen. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have been trying to learn to change the past and future behaviors to be the best person I can be. But I struggle daily. It is easier to sit back and do nothing than it is to reflex on yourself and take stock in your life and honestly say I fucked up here where do I <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="a1fc7837-fe1c-4ddf-829b-2880375c695a" id="5a63f3d7-0875-44e7-bed7-bd7c01798392"><span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="c044f7ae-e914-49c3-823d-61272e3c49f1" id="d41d8fdb-373d-4382-83f5-7f47d183b2da">unfuck</span></span> it up next time. Its critical thinking that makes us worse for where. I have been watching YouTube videos, reading books, blogs, now I am doing hypnosis. Subjection through mental <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="8765569d-a8a4-4032-8b13-73d7fbe137a6" id="70fdb885-b4dc-491b-80bf-9e9618e9a6cd">stimulus. With all these <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="14d77f16-c583-46e2-93d4-bd7ab52a4f3a" id="4e35a434-cda2-48f1-a65c-a7bd7cd7944c">endeavors I am</span> doing you would think I was crazy. Oh <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="abe8d049-6c26-4524-a301-a2ebeba865ba" id="e7ba5482-1cb0-4f2b-97ef-0914970460df">wait I</span> am. But, I am trying to change my evil ways. </span><br />
<span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="8765569d-a8a4-4032-8b13-73d7fbe137a6"><br /></span>
<span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="8765569d-a8a4-4032-8b13-73d7fbe137a6">I struggle with <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="c03c0152-5543-4137-aeaf-13dafe5a7d9c" id="af699cf8-5074-4546-80f0-2576f6d2effd">aniexty</span>, when talking to people that I don't know. <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="785eb23d-1efa-4cab-aeb2-e27bf91e41f6" id="497bbcbd-151d-4428-ab7b-c8df36c865ad">Its</span> a problem. I have been trying to become more sociable to build a stronger support group, but its hard when you can't approach people. I would make a horrible serial killer. I have been told I am very charismatic. <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="42ac81e2-ba70-438f-a192-ad8a03fc6d40" id="c3b49969-6539-4f60-86b3-a4794d5c26a3">Its</span> a fraud. I am a fraud. I fake that shit. I am so nervous and so overwhelmed that I am going to say the wrong thing that I tend to just blurt out everything. <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="ee71abf0-9212-454f-b14c-356f2b1bd989" id="451d40de-62ce-49a1-bbac-102405ad8728">Plus I</span> give off <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="ee71abf0-9212-454f-b14c-356f2b1bd989" id="f1b02a7f-3e9b-4393-a0d8-4f89942330a6">a</span> I don't give a fuck <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="ee71abf0-9212-454f-b14c-356f2b1bd989" id="c418fa02-e1bc-4164-bbe6-1ef09b1676cd">approach but</span> <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="ee71abf0-9212-454f-b14c-356f2b1bd989" id="db54fec9-addb-45ba-93b3-af40e885cec9">realitity</span> is I do care. I care a whole deal. I have what most people call super empathy. Which means that I can feel the suffering and hurts of others very easily. It sucks. Just learning about myself alone is enough to cause depressive states of mind. <span class="GINGER_SOFTWARE_mark" ginger_software_uiphraseguid="196f9611-6d39-4b4f-8ff3-744dc127665b" id="1c1992e7-7c19-46d0-ab21-a69c14423baa">Well that</span> is enough rambling. I haven't been writing a great deal I am having what I would like to call an episode. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-44625606593843514472014-01-06T16:02:00.001-05:002014-01-06T16:02:11.292-05:00Full plate, full of hope.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Man, my plate is full. But it is all good things. School, business, blogging, ghostwriting, phew. If you asked me about three months ago if I saw myself where I am today. I would tell you hell no. I would have probably been too choked up with emotion to really answer. Things have changed so dramatically that I feel my depression may be slipping by. I hope so. Today is gonna be a short post. Working hard and trying to get everything in order! I promise as things get better so will this blog! Thank you for bearing with me. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-13020250241730359192014-01-04T20:07:00.001-05:002014-01-04T20:28:00.728-05:00Ali vs Foreman? (Better fighter or better prepared?)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>This is both a personal and learning post.</b></div>
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I just got finished watching “Ali” with Will Smith. As I sat
watching listening, I thought who was a better fighter, Ali or Foreman? Then it
clicked it wasn’t who was better, but he (or she) that prepared better that was
always going to win. <o:p></o:p></div>
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(Image source <a href="http://www.biography.com/people/muhammad-ali-9181165">http://www.biography.com/people/muhammad-ali-9181165</a>)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xtbJA_dqMbY/UsiyedZfTnI/AAAAAAAAAjI/_8Zr4amVty8/s1600/Muhammad-Ali-9181165-2-402.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xtbJA_dqMbY/UsiyedZfTnI/AAAAAAAAAjI/_8Zr4amVty8/s200/Muhammad-Ali-9181165-2-402.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
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Ali clearly won the fight between him and Foreman, but why,
how. Foreman was younger, stronger with knockout power and he knew where his strengths
were. But Ali won! Ali studied and knew what Foreman was going to do.(Ali also
had great corner men who know what to look for) Foreman was going to back Ali
into the rope and just swing until he got that lucky punch in or wear him down.
But Ali knew this, so he trained and trained what he would later dub the rope a
dope where he would lean back on the ropes and allow Foreman to wear himself
down and when the time was right to take advantage of his tried out state.<br />
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(Image source <a href="http://www.cyberboxingzone.com/boxing/george.htm" style="text-align: left;">http://www.cyberboxingzone.com/boxing/george.htm</a>)</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisiQNaE-f1MITojk6JHsWryn46UeQN0j_56NEI46aQOJMKla2TGuYLf4Z9vK8O7uasU6ZYrj3ZALhpkM4F1NG3APJrbEycqSCyOiHqr9Gmx9XfoAE08gdmE3IoNUijaTam63LT3CQw2aIx/s1600/GeorgeForeman-22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisiQNaE-f1MITojk6JHsWryn46UeQN0j_56NEI46aQOJMKla2TGuYLf4Z9vK8O7uasU6ZYrj3ZALhpkM4F1NG3APJrbEycqSCyOiHqr9Gmx9XfoAE08gdmE3IoNUijaTam63LT3CQw2aIx/s200/GeorgeForeman-22.jpg" width="139" /></a><br />
So, as I realized this I was thinking to myself who do I act more like. Do I act like Foreman, just come in swinging and whatever lands I just stick to that end of it, or do I act like Ali and plan and prepare and make sure I know what I am getting into. I concluded that I act more like Foreman, but I am going to change that. I want to become a champion and I will fight to make it work. I have a long way to go. But I am going to take a few notes from Ali and train smart for the battles to come.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-89513381723968505052014-01-02T10:42:00.002-05:002014-01-02T10:42:49.322-05:00Happy New Year.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Well,<br />
Happy New Year everyone. I hope it treats you well. I am trying to figure out what this year will bring me in terms of success and stress. Its been a rough end of year for me last year. If you have been keeping up the blog you have seen that. I am still struggling with some things and other things seem to be getting slightly better.<br />
<br />
I am hoping this year is better. Well I know it will be better because I plan on making it better. You have to take charge of your own life. I have a lot of goals and guidance set up for myself what are your plans for this year? I will be starting a real poetry blog that I will be giving access to and selling a mini-poetry book for 5$ for 20 poems. So if you like poetry maybe this will be something you want to get. I think I will offer something special like a one of a kind poem on an object or something. What do you guys think? Any ideas, thoughts or opinions would be amazing thank you! Well I wish everyone a Happy New Year and great success this year. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-66432694969956975562013-12-30T18:52:00.000-05:002013-12-30T18:52:12.117-05:00Day from hell. Today has just been a day from hell for me. My mental illness is in full swing. I hate everything and just about ready to blow! Trying to make money doing something I love is a lot harder then people say or make it out to be. I struggle with it day to day and I still have no idea if I am pressing forward.<br />
<br />
Between being yelled at, all the negativity and everything else I feel like my mental status has been compromised. The last straw for me was I have been trying to go to college just because its a goal of mine and no lie I have gotten everything from oh yeah everything is good your good to go!Then 10 minutes later well we need this we need that! Fuck this shit I am about ready to tell them to go fuck themselves because I am so sick and tired of having to get into contact with them because of their inability to fucking due their job! Ahhhhhh sorry for my language I swear a lot. Just so much disappointment. Breathe and focus. Breathe and focus. Right. I think its time to re-evaluate myself and my options and what I am doing or not doing... Any suggestions? Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-11631221120507976942013-12-28T13:26:00.002-05:002013-12-28T13:26:53.776-05:00Nov 19th, Last day in the hospital!<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<b id="docs-internal-guid-1ab40caa-3a74-8da9-0671-f20dec28a81f" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I wake up at 7 AM. The doctor comes in at 8! They move me to a low residue diet! ( The day before was full liquids! I apologize days were starting to blur together!) What, ok? I don’t know what that is! I think its level 2 diet ( for nursing home residents it means all the meat is grounded up). But, its not. It’s a low fiber diet (</span><a href="http://www.webmd.com/ibd-crohns-disease/low-residue-diet-foods" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.webmd.com/ibd-crohns-disease/low-residue-diet-foods</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) can’t have more than 10 grams of fiber… </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Don’t eat for ten days. Then everything tastes amazing! The nurses come in, you're leaving today! What? You're leaving today, awesome! The rest of my day is packing. The rest is waiting for paper work… </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, this is the end of my story for now. Just of this chapter. Thank you for staying with me on this journey. As of now I will be taking a break from this blog till January 1st to reformat and rest my mind so I can focus on my business and changing this blog to motivational and self-help. If you aren’t following me I would recommend it! Great things are coming. Also if you have any questions you want answered, please leave me a comment. I answer all questions! If you have a subject you want me to write on please leave me a comment. </span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What do you think my first post should be for the beginning of the year? </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-92014747802490701822013-12-26T09:56:00.002-05:002013-12-26T10:02:35.229-05:00Nov 18th, 10th day in... Huh!I wake up pretty early. The doctor comes in. They want to try a clear liquid diet. Well, that's good. No more fluids through IV. Great news! So, I am getting better, but I have to wait to see the specialist again. I take a shower. I relax. I want to walk.<br />
<br />
"Can I go for a walk?" I ask the nurse<br />
" Of course! In fact it's a warm day!Why not go to the courtyard?"<br />
"Alright, sounds awesome!Can we get someone to go with me?"<br />
"Yes of course! Let's get someone!"<br />
<br />
I wait.. The person comes and we walk to the courtyard. I sit in the courtyard...enjoying the sun...just enjoying the sun... Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-91875910580753796152013-12-24T08:31:00.001-05:002013-12-24T08:54:16.681-05:00Nov 17th, 9th day in. It’s Time….. <div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I keep waking up hoping it’s time for my procedure. It’s not time. One hour, two hour. I am so done with this tube in my face I start taking it out myself. Then realize I can’t (not because of location but because they will stick it back in and I will have to wait another day or two) </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-1ab40caa-24cd-6d10-16a0-bf4702eceb3c" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God, its finally time. They wheel me down to the waiting room. I am down their 20 minutes ( or so it seems). they bring me into the procedure room. They cover my face with a mask… take three deep breathes… and I am out for the count! </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I have a very vivid dream (normally I have never dreamt under anesthesia). If you have seen John Carpenter's Vampires there's a few scenes where the vampires come in and wipe the town or building clean, it’s just a nightmare. Blood, guts, you get the idea! Well that is my drug induced dream but, and I repeat that again BUT!!! I don’t know that I am dreaming. Repeat I do not know that I am dreaming! This is really happening. So imagine my surprise and shock when I wake up in a hospital bed in a gown, IV’s sticking out ( no NG tube I might add) and no one is around besides a nurse or two. Let me tell you my paranoia has never been so extreme besides when I thought I was dying. So somewhere in the back of my mind so its screaming get out of here. But, I have no idea whats going on.</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They wheel me to my room. I ask to take a shower. They get me set up. I take an hour long shower. Just enjoying the water, relaxing. I get out, get hooked back up to my life line. Lay back in bed then bam! I am out like a light I sleep about 17 hours. ( The procedure started at 9 AM I get back up to my room about 11AM so I I sleep till about 7 or 8 am the next day. I was out. I only wake up to get some meds then I am back out!)</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-1326453805390347592013-12-22T16:33:00.002-05:002013-12-24T08:54:16.678-05:00Nov 16th, 8th day in the hospital. Well it ever end!<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Midnight comes and goes… 1AM...2AM….3AM….</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3:58AM “ possive noun”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4AM…. 5AM….6AM…. when you stay away three days straight the world plays games with you. This must be a game…</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7:50AM “Possessive noun. So, I stayed up again all night. Probably will do the same again today/tonight” </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My neurotic nature is showing. I am supposed to be having an endoscopy today. With that they will be ballooning my esophagus and duodenum passage. ( </span><a href="http://youtu.be/nns9O1R1A8o" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://youtu.be/nns9O1R1A8o</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not for the faint of heart.) I am so nervous. But, the day before, they tell me they didn’t get in the anesthesia. I was looking forward to getting this NG tube out of my face… What’s one more day… </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8:54AM “ But you referring out as a color its how you use it in a sentence. “</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9:48am “the color is a pssessive noun so is the name of pink panties”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10:19am”Pink panties is not even a color...you are referring the two differently...you say pink panties as a color..but i ok more what you mean lol I'm not dumb “</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10:20am</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it is now im making it one “</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Really, this is what you decide to talk about. You can’t just be like how are you doing? You want to talk about the subject terms of using a possessive noun in conjunction with an adverb in association with an adjective… Does anyone really care about that shit! Why don’t you just tattoo I am a boring dumb fuck on my head and send me to town!...(Yes i am really that harsh on myself) </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">12:28pm “what do you wanna be when you grow up little girl? “</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Radio silence… yup… I done fucked up again… How many times can one human screw up… I haven’t counted but its up there! Somethings are too important to just give up… I haven’t given up… maybe I should… I am so scared…. just one thing to go right in my life… just one thing please… </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-79633944243471169582013-12-21T16:21:00.001-05:002013-12-21T16:48:17.408-05:00How to be present without being present.<div dir="ltr">
Have you ever made a mistake such huge it has effected you to the very core. I have, twice. I was 21 suffering with a major bouts of depression. 5 days after my birthday my daughter was born 2006. I got to see her not very often but once a <u>week</u>. <br />
This is not an easy subject to discuss. Over a few months I would try to see my daughter as much as I could. I would drive my moped 2 hours to visit for an hour. Then one day it came to my attention that the mother disappeared left the baby at her mothers house. I was astonished. I was dumb founded. So I end up having to go to court for custody battle. After three days I surrender my rights... everything. There goes my core. All my values. All my purpose my posse. Why, why would I do this? I was doing the right thing... I was selfish... I was naive. Absorbed. I went nuts. I lost both my jobs due to my inability to cope. I tried to be something... What did I try to be something I wasn't... I stayed single for almost a year... I thought I was capable. I was wrong. I needed more time. I needed to find myself. Figure myself out. A year and half later maybe two. We break up, I try to sleep my pain away, with someone I cared about. Second time I destroyed my core... After a month my ex and I make up. I get a message. The infamous we need to talk. Not from my ex but from the girl who I was sleeping my pain away with. Ok I meet up with her she is pregnant... What!!! Huh.... Oh my god... WHAT!!! My mind is not comprehending this information. Can't be no seriously. The core is coming unscrewed as we speak... ( as I am writing this Jersey Girl is playing it makes me emotional and neurotic all at the same time.) I have made another mistake.. I have what... have..... what.... depression..... this is the beginning of the end...She tries to tell me to do the right thing. What is the right thing. I try to make myself better by saying if I choose wrong... I choose wrong either way... Please what am I supposed to do... 2 years later I have a son.... A son... oh my a son.... why a son... please grow to be better man than I.... Please let him be a better man than I. She contacts me... I want you to sign over this stuff... No... I am resentful... hateful... I won't do it.... 2 more years later.... thumbs up.... shock... dismay.... what do i say this can't be right... I have ruined this relationship... I burnt this bridge and the foundation... hi.... talking, maybe friends... 3 months later... I have tried... I keep trying... How can I try and be present when I can't be present... my emotions can't handle this... please don't toy with me... I hate myself enough... please forgive me... 2 months previous I attempt suicide to run, to escape, to let my struggle go... It won't let me go.... 1 month after that was an accident. I understand i will let you be... its ok,we can talk... I don't wanna be a bother.... 2 months later... nothing... the sound of silence is so sweet when its nothing but the sounds of tears streaming from the broken faucet that i call my face, my disease has kicked in to full gear now... what did I do... what have I done.. did I say too much. did I try to hard... not hard enough... fuck I will never give up... I should give up.... give up.... just give up.... just give up loser... give it up... 365 days to be out of the clear.... i am barely at the 90 mark... one more time. maybe I can get it right this last time...just one last time... </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-39382208227516769272013-12-20T17:35:00.000-05:002013-12-20T17:35:50.116-05:00Finding faith, in a sterile environment. Let's go back to Oct 5th a Saturday. Rough estimate of time its about 3 in the afternoon. I am sitting in my hospital bed. Trying to find greater purpose after a failed suicide attempt. I remember hospitals have priests or chaplains or clergy involved in the healing process. So, I asked for a priest to join me in prayer. I really needed it. So, with that I waited must have been 7PM at night when there is a knock on the door. The chaplain comes in and we start talking.<br />
<br />
Now, I will be the first to admit. I am not a spiritual man. My ethics and values don't come from the bible. I have seen too many hypocrites to go down that path. I told this to the gentleman but he sat and let me speak and listened to my story and I asked him to pray with him. Without a blink of an eye he did so. I needed to look beyond myself for an answer. I hope this was it. After we prayed he came back with a bible for me and I started reading it daily.<br />
<br />
Lets fast forward to a few days later, I am in a locked unit for people with behavioral issues/mental health issues. People who have attempted suicide knowingly or unknowingly. They stick us in a ward with no activities but our own mind and let us shimmer in our own juices. But that isn't this story. It's visiting day, an hour before visitors are to arrive I call my mother. She said that her friend and her husband wanted to come see me. I had never really meet them before so I was like ok. But they can't make it today because they are going out of town. Sure why not. Ok well as long as I know its better than waiting and being disappointed right.Next thing I know about 30 minutes later I get another call. Its my mother the husband is coming up he wants to talk. Ok.... what.... alright so confused. It will take him about an hour or a little bit longer. He has to drive and its an hour drive to where I am at.<br />
So I hang out in the common area watching tv waiting. He arrives so we walk to my room and we start to talk. Yes even crazy people surrounded by other crazy people like their space when talking to others. We are peculiar like that. So we start to talk and he tells me about his story. He has addiction issues plus mental health issues. I think everyone does but some are more willing to admit it then others. But his life has been up and downs and not very livable and he doesn't know how he is alive because of all the drugs and things he has done. But, something changed his life around and he has changed his life for the better. Its called Celebrate Recovery... A 12 step program for people with addiction issues, but its no only for people with addiction its for everyone who has suffering and wants to improve their lives healthy through Gods word. I listen and listen and I want to do this program. I need this program I want this program. I have to find a way to this program!!! What does this tell you about this program and their belief in it. This guy drives all together about 2 hours to see me just to spend an hour of time with me to talk to me about this program! Do you think he truly believes? They don't want money,they don't want your praise they are just doing God's works like he tells them too! I have yet to make a meeting not because I don't want to or I don't believe. But I have to work at the times of the meets and I honestly have to have the income. If I didn't need it that bad or was a millionaire I would be there in a heartbeat and I will attend because of how much of an impact this gentleman made on me! That is the goal for 2014 to do this! To live in accordance with the positive and the spiritual! Have a great day and life!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-22213651794443074422013-12-19T15:07:00.003-05:002013-12-19T15:10:21.579-05:00Nov 15th, 7th day... The day I lost myself.<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1:24AM “ Lol..yes I’m working as usual.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 1:56AM “that is good thought at least you are working”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3:05AM “Yeah but I wouldn't mind being home….I pay for a house I’m never even at”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 3:20AM “ but at least you have that option some people don’t even have that”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3:22AM “True..but I would like to be home that’s all I’m saying”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 3:33AM “ I understand I wanna be home to than in the hospital”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3:34AM “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be there either”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 3:39AM “ well i gotta get better so i can get a chance to”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 4:32AM “ I am gonna try and nap so take it easy.” </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-1ab40caa-0c77-a7d1-cab5-7f399bc6946d" style="font-weight: normal;"></b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b id="docs-internal-guid-1ab40caa-0c77-a7d1-cab5-7f399bc6946d" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who naps at 4:32AM? Well I did. Sleep in the hospital is overrated. It was better than my failed attempt to re-establish a friendship. When you are so emotionally drained tears can’t come. I was so sick of crying anyway. My failure, another to add to the list. How is it possible to suck this much at life. Failed marriage, failed suicide attempt, failed jobs, failed...I am a failure. It’s easy to be so negative. Where are the tears. God, this bed is so uncomfortable. Comfort. I don’t deserve it…. Why won’t I just die… I can’t die, I’m like a cockroach. Just can’t die… But I am a bug… </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My thoughts race… I call the nurse like clock work.. pain and nausea medicine… That’s the way to go high... as a kite….The hours creep by in his medicine induced high… He hasn’t eaten food in 7 days. His umbilical cord is attached to the wall. Where are the tears? How bad do you think it is to have no one visit you? How about when you’re in the hospital twice? Do the red flags go off? Loser,pathetic,hopeless,scum,worthless,needy,self-centered,useless,weak… So much to deal with.Maybe I should have let myself...die. To sleep… perchance to dream… What time is it?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5:38 PM “ whats your favorite color?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 5:59PM “Blue...black...dark colors why?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6:03PM “curiosity figured it might be a good idea to get to know you as a person if we are going to have a friendship”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 6:31PM “ Lol true… what about you?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6:36PM “pink panties! no, just kidding I am not sure to be honest what my favorite color is anymore”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. My disassociation with reality has come full circle. I have no self identity. Who am I? What do I want, need, desire? I have amnesia but I have memories I hate.Loathe. God, what am I doing? Take me away and put me in a better place. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10:56PM “robins egg blue”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 10:58PM “ That’s such a sissy color lol ;) “</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10:58 PM “so is pink panties but you know I had to choose one”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 11:01PM “ Pink panties is a noun, robins egg blue is a verb or adjective...which ever it is lol”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">11:01PM “ no its not robins egg blue is a noun too the bird its own egg is blue.”</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have failed, I should say I love you. I always have. You complete me! In sign language! I am sorry you hate me, I hate me. What can I do to fix this? Is there a fix? Time… FUCK!!! Fuck time! I hate time…. Time…. what time is it...Relief time… Sleep perchance to</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-79345772728472465382013-12-17T15:53:00.001-05:002013-12-17T15:54:03.790-05:00Nov 14th, 6th day in the hospital.<b id="docs-internal-guid-1ab40caa-0254-45f5-bc6e-fa21829dc11a" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do you think, that suicide is an option? does self-harm come natural? Do you feel alone? Hopeless? Confused? If you answered yes to the first two questions, you are a special individual. Because, self preservation is so strong to inflict any type of damage to yourself, it is nearly impossible to overcome that. So feel special you have the drive to overcome basic survival instincts!</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are never alone, as I write this I have 1,660 views (grand total on my blog). About a quarter are bots ( non-human visitors). So we will say that about 1200 are real views. I started writing the 27th of Nov,2013. When I publish it will be the 17th. 21 days, with that math, I am averaging 57 views a day. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That is 57 real people taking the time to express an interest in my life. Two month ago I was alone (felt alone let me clarify that). Today, I have hundreds. You have hundreds too!</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/GvX7wL8l_PBcCY909EyLD6y8pSAcs7L_3USUs4lZGLr4g4rFga2v5DmtI59jYgXdX-eYWbhusIr_q5QMoputaC9nWOt2376nxGDbtWKEtXGf0zO5MHhkRYeCCw" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="122" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/GvX7wL8l_PBcCY909EyLD6y8pSAcs7L_3USUs4lZGLr4g4rFga2v5DmtI59jYgXdX-eYWbhusIr_q5QMoputaC9nWOt2376nxGDbtWKEtXGf0zO5MHhkRYeCCw" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I sit in the hospital bed, wondering what my next step is going to be. Do, I try and adjust back to normal life, do I try to finish what I started( to attempt suicide again, most stats say that if you have attempted suicide once you are more likely to do it again within the first year. Its only been a month and 14 days since my attempt.), or do I do the unthinkable and improve and get better (to do a cannonball into the pool of life and just throw myself out there and do something no one else wants or can do). </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How can I decide, I am focused on the negative. My mind is all over the place. I start to hear my bosses voice and a co-workers. I must be losing my mind. I have gotten a low grade fever. They give me Tylenol to break it(fever), no morphine (they say morphine can increase body temperature I don’t care. I want the pain to go away.)</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/mA7hA6EtFGEkUARj0Y_nCJq0LRHT7ggxg3iHmaxpOoz9k3dJ61dNHpFOP83xGcSGvnINI0QoJzHdBKlB6bm7kINL_eAxb3IEx04DOKGNdV5EZ-naiCxqoM9vVA" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="102" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/mA7hA6EtFGEkUARj0Y_nCJq0LRHT7ggxg3iHmaxpOoz9k3dJ61dNHpFOP83xGcSGvnINI0QoJzHdBKlB6bm7kINL_eAxb3IEx04DOKGNdV5EZ-naiCxqoM9vVA" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, whats a few hours of pain… I need to distract myself. I tell the nurse I think I know those guys talking outside. That is why they check my temperature early, I am hallucinating and don’t even know it. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8:14 PM Blank screen, words appear..</span></div>
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<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/jHXgoCiB_oT80PaLmGrWddILL_8KbLOJf8oV5pZtPnqDnsckg01orI9G01T8pRQdHGW9zpsSeWl2D9tDUnppBoHhPCpUQBS1hwEPWqitYMWvdBSjp0tmUw7W8g" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="111px;" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/jHXgoCiB_oT80PaLmGrWddILL_8KbLOJf8oV5pZtPnqDnsckg01orI9G01T8pRQdHGW9zpsSeWl2D9tDUnppBoHhPCpUQBS1hwEPWqitYMWvdBSjp0tmUw7W8g" width="110px;" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “Pray for me…”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> 8:21 “ Are you ok?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8:24 PM “ back in the hospital because I couldn’t hold food down for two weeks. this pain medicine is amazing. It makes me high as a kite and wanna say I love you and nap!”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9:04PM “you</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10:40PM are you working tonight?” </span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">End transmission</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-56654855602513549462013-12-15T13:50:00.002-05:002013-12-15T13:51:24.195-05:00Nov 13th, 6th day in the hospital. If I knew what I know now... How many times have we thought or expressed this statement? If only I could go back to change the past. All this fixations on our past! Even, I dwell on the past. If you can't tell. I am writing this a month after it has happened.<br />
<br />
Misery? How would you define it? Having diner with the in-laws? Going to the ballet, or maybe a football game? We go into these events with a preset notion of what may or may not happen. True misery you can't control!<br />
<br />
I can control my thoughts, my actions, and what I choose to focus on. Six days in the hospital, after the first 17 you would be right to assume I was miserable. A tube through my nose. Needles in my arm, going to god who knows where!<br />
<br />
I have to have hope. I have to have faith! ( Not something I prayed, but I wish I had that day.<br />
<br />
"Dear merciful lord,<br />
Please take this suffering of mine and take it from my heart. Allow me to find meaning and grace, for I have none! Use me, as a tool for your ways. That I may be graced by your healing spirit. Allow forgiveness to enter my heart and those that hate or resent me." For they know not what they do! " In your son's name I pray! Amen!"<br />
<br />
I have my laptop. Better movie access. I can't focus on anything, besides the pain and that empty feeling inside. Please forgive me for I know not what I do! Together we cry, I cry alone...<br />
<br />
It gets later and later, the sun is setting. Hot, cold, hot,cold. My body doesn't want to pick a setting! I stare at the blank screen. It stays blank. I don't have the courage, the knowledge, of how to move forward.<br />
<br />
As night progresses, my thoughts hover on the lonely. How long will I be alone, should I be alone, will I always be alone. It's time for the morphine drip.<br />
<br />
I ring the buzzer. " Hello, what do you need." I want to say a new body! " Can you ask my nurse for my morphine?" At this time I think I am addicted, I don't care it takes away my pain.<br />
<br />
Goodnight<br />
<br />
It takes 30 minutes. Eyes heavy, sounds get louder, pain is gone. Thoughts are gone. The dreamless sleep.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-62643895509622886692013-12-13T19:17:00.001-05:002013-12-13T19:22:10.967-05:00Nov 12th, 5th day.He is already almost pushing a week into being in the hospital for a second time. He is so miserable and afraid and wondering when its going to just happen. When he won't wake up, when the morphine finally puts him in that final sleep. He doesn't wanna die just sleep forever. This is worse than the first time. Constant nightmares, constant pain. Constant misery. He tries to stay positive he tries to stay focused. But its nearly impossible when you have things coming out of every hole (not really just the one on his face) and holes going into his body. More tests x-rays and barium swallows and things that just are stupid. They have to do it to make sure the fluids are emptying even though he has a constant pump. Every day it gets better and better less and less fluid is coming out but it still feels shitty. This night he throws up. He has no idea why. Its the same color as when he drank the blue bottle. Panic sets in! How long has that been there! Is he gonna die. Was his body storing that inside! What the hell is going on he super freaks. He pages the nurse its 2 am or 3 he doesn't know what time he doesn't care " Please get my nurse I just threw up!!!!. " " what" " MY FUCKING NURSE GET HIM I JUST THREW UP" " Oh yeah I will tell him" ... not even a minute to two minutes later both nurses are in his room " you ok, you threw up what color was it. I gotta call the on call doctor and let them know give me a second" " so the doc says its not a big deal it happens sometimes".... So let me repeat that in my head to myself. You are telling me that I have this fucking tube in my nose that is supposed to drain me like a sink, so I don't throw up, but its actual not that big deal, so don't go worrying about it...How about this let me stick this thing down your fucking nose and you make yourself throw up and tell me that's not that most uncomfortable feeling in the world!!! God.... just fucking put a bullet in my head, treat me like a fucking horse or cow or dog!!! You will be ok they say, we are gonna get you better they say... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Someone better be telling me the truth...If I don't get better I am going to well fuck I am going to die... I hope its peaceful... Maybe in my sleep. That would be cool, maybe they give me some morphine! Yeah I like that idea. He lays his head on the pillow. Lets go to sleep. He closes his eyes... Its hard to calm down. He slowly drifts off to sleep for a few hours. (For the first week in the hospital this time around he has barely slept for more then 3 hours on an hour to two hours up then maybe another hour up. Its never constant. and he has to sleep in a more sitting position because laying down with that damn tube is damn near impossible and it doesn't function as well. It needs to be over his heart. So he is constantly trying to keep it there. Its hard but he does feel that it works better and he is not as uncomfortable when its like that. ) He is awake another day done not that he can tell everything has blended.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-60955739228123604412013-12-12T12:05:00.001-05:002013-12-12T12:05:34.315-05:00Whats in it for me? ( A look at why we do things) I have been writing daily now for almost 15 days maybe a little longer. Which to me is an impressive feat. I normally stop after a few days thinking its a waste of time. So now I think to myself why am I doing this? What's in it for me? I am not getting paid. My emotional status is pretty upbeat even on bad days. I am focused on 20 different things between trying to go back to school and making money and paying bills and improving my life overall. World get ready for me 2.0! Even 3.0 yes that is how passionate I am about these changings I am doing. So, back to my original questions, what am I doing this for? Why am I doing this? I have thought and thought and I always think. Is it for me? People keep telling me its for me your doing it to heal. But that is not why I am doing this! I love to write. I love looking at words on paper or screen! Just to feel the passion behind the words. The ideas, the thoughts the convenience of emotions that are summed up in just a few little letters. So, why wouldn't I want to write this? Its too personal, it's too soon? Its unhealthy, its too permanent? Isn't that what writing is about? Writing is about bring out those dark ideas that no one wants to know but they want to know! Its about digging into the deepest darkest scariest parts of our psyche. But that doesn't explain why I am writing this! It doesn't express my thoughts or feelings about this. What are my goals and intentions? My first goal. To help fix the myth that people who have attempted suicide are fragile and weak and selfish! I am not selfish in an unhealthy way. I am selfish in a healthy way. Our society lists being selfish as normal as being healthy. You should think about yourself and how you are going to get what you need to survive. So why is that when someone threatens suicide most people always comes back to the you're being selfish! Such a contradiction such a hypocrite our society is! I was being selfish when I attempted my suicide but I was being selfish in a way to end my own misery and suffering. I didn't want me, no one wanted me. So why can't I decide my own fate. " Your soul doesn't belong to you" (Bedazzled with Branden Fraizer) Because my fate doesn't belong to me. It belongs to us. For all the people who I haven't met yet and the impact on their life I will make, the impact of the life they will make on me. That is why. For the people who have battled with me since the beginning even though they are no longer at this junction in my life doesn't mean they won't be forever. So let me explain I am selfish. I will always be selfish, I have that right. I want the best for me but here is the kicker! I want the best for you too! That is why I write. I write to help! I write to show someone, anyone, everyone that we are not alone! You will never be truly alone. Even alone you are not alone. Computers, phones, internet. With all this technology we have access to so much. So why not use it to help communicate to others what we need help with? Why don't you ask for help from someone you don't know? You go to a therapist right? That person doesn't really know you, do they? They only know what you let them see! The darkness, the scary place. What about the good? What about the human being underneath? How about the fact that you have the ability to laugh, smile, cry, jump for joy? No, they don't see these things because that is not what they are supposed to see! They are supposed to help us gather the courage to face the impossible! Fuck that! Nothing is impossible, only improbable. I want to see everything! I want to know everything about you! What makes you tick, what makes you happy what makes you cry. Its probably the same for me ( for the most part I hate heights but I rock climb, bouldering to be exact its fun! But don't ask me to go on a rollercoaster with you unless you want me to die!) That is why I write. Daily, about nothing and about everything. I am almost at a time where my suicide attempt will mean nothing. It will be my past and I will forgive and forget. But this journey will never been over. I want everyone to understand that I am here forever. Even in death this will be accessible and I want it to be accessed. That is why I write! Thank you for reading. I hope this gives you the courage you need to make it through the tough times and better yet when times are amazing!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-33241969323943641642013-12-11T11:23:00.003-05:002013-12-11T11:24:52.210-05:00Nov 11th, another day in the hospital. After the crazy night getting that NG tube back in and not remembering anything after that the nice nurse doesn't show up today. Dang she was nice. He hopes he didn't say anything stupid, knowing him. He may have. Shrugs don't dwell on it too much. It will only make makes worse and that is not what you need or want. Another procedure he has to do today. So far he has had x-rays and all sorts of scanning. It sucks. He feels he might start glowing in the dark. The pain is still there. Morphine is available. Nap time! He keeps waking up every few hours. The patient advocate starts coming in daily to see him, its probably cause he is alone in the hospital hasn't had any visitors and looks like something the dog/cat throw up. He feels worse. Just another day in paradise. She brings him in movies. Its better then watching tv. Most of the time he ends up falling asleep during them. Its fine he needs the rest. Just more of the same. He stays up again all through the night. This will be a daily occurrence.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-49730829924726022742013-12-11T00:35:00.001-05:002013-12-11T00:36:25.116-05:00Rough nights, tough days. Tonight, I am going to be writing about my night. Tonight was a rough night for me. I walked to work like I normally do trying to think positive thoughts but my mind keep turning back to a time long ago when I was "happy" not really happy just was in a rut and it was better than not knowing what was happening. I also kept thinking of some one who I was happy with. Then I started to think about how I would never find that again. Who wants to be with a person who has attempted suicide. Who wants to be with a person who is going to have days where the world is amazing then days where he can't even leave his bed. Who wants to deal with that shit. I hate depression. I then started thinking about how it would feel to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Would it be worth it this time. I know there are people out there who love me and they show me every day and I cherish those moments. But this disease is not curable. Its barely fucking manageable. Ups and downs, downs and ups. How do you live your life on a roller coaster never knowing at what moment if its going to be up or down. Every day will be tough and every night will be rough. But I know I can do this. I know I can succeed and make my life better. One day. All I am asking for is one day. Please watch me for I will run over you if you don't.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-56283361269086669912013-12-10T12:04:00.000-05:002013-12-10T12:04:43.150-05:00Nov 10th. Day three in the hospital. Another day in the hospital. So far in a months time he has spent about 20 days in the hospital. Don't recommend it. He has that damn NG tube that is more like a torture device then a medical one ( don't get me wrong here folks without this device I would have never gotten healthy but when you have something shoved in your nose stuck there and it moves back and forth at will for about 10 plus days you would rather be put on the rack). Constant pain. Morphine every 3 hours and at a dose of 4 mL that is some good stuff. Its always nap time at morphine time! Most of the day he spends watching tv or movies because there is nothing else he can do. Today he has another procedure he has to go back and get the picc line replaced because it shifted in his arm and chest. He doesn't really care its just another day with constant pain and mental torture. How do you get better when it seems like you are getting worse? The nurses come in daily, hourly. Checking on his status and seeing if there is even the slightest bit of improvement. Or to make sure he doesn't tie a line around his neck he doesn't know. Either way its a pain in the ass. If you have ever thought about suicide and are really contemplating it I wouldn't recommend it. Take it from personal experience. Most people don't actually achieve the desired effect and end up where I was. In a lot of pain and a lot of thoughts running through your head and the suffering. No matter how bad the world looks at that moment. There is always sunshine coming up. You just have to find it. Another procedure it seems like he has had more radiation in the last few days then he has in his life. But that is ok he just patiently waits everyone has high hopes. He just mopes around being miserable. Another day stuck in his metaphorical hell. Tonight is a sleepless night. He stays up all night watching tv. He wishes he had something better to do with his time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11807592299106685589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4184861292988841012.post-54869902566804831452013-12-10T10:12:00.000-05:002013-12-10T10:15:34.136-05:00On the other side of the attempt.<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember much of that day except is started with “Greg,
have you ever been so depressed you attempted suicide?” which I received at
9:32 am while driving to a client’s work site.
It wasn't until 10:49 am that I saw this message.<br />
<br />
What do you do with a question like that?
How do you handle something like that?<br />
<br />
I reply “I haven’t. There was a point
that I thought about it but I never attempted.
I will admit that you have me concerned with you asking. Do you want me to call someone for you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We continue to work and continue the conversation thinking
things are getting better when at 12:07 PM on Oct 1<sup>st</sup> I receive the
message.<br />
<br />
“I am sorry Greg, but I am gonna take my life now…”<br />
<br />
“HELL NO!!!” I am screaming inside I am panicking, I open another browser. Where did he say he living now? White pages is there someone with his last
name… Yes!! My hands are shaking, I walk into the stair
well not to both my client that I am working with that day, I dial the number “Hello,
my name is Greg and you don’t know me but I live in Utah and I am talking to a
friend with your last name…” after finishing explaining the situation I hear “I
am sorry, I don’t know a Thomas…” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
NO!!! That can’t be,
I don’t remember anything else they said and don’t even remember how the phone
call ended. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sit back at my desk and read “I can’t even get the razor
blade to cut me… I don’t wanna live…
Once I sign off. Its game over for me.”<br />
<br />
The gentleman that I just talked to me calls back and says “Don’t give up, have
you thought about calling the police. Of
course I have but what do I tell them, I have a Facebook friend that I have
talked to once on the phone and now I am trying talk him off a ledge? Yes that is exactly what I am going to
do!! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They have to be able to help…<br />
<br />
What is his name?<br />
How do you know him?<br />
What is his address?<br />
Does he have a Drivers Licenses here in the state?<br />
What is his Cell Phone number?<br />
Do you know his family?<br />
<br />
“We cannot find any record of him…” My
heart drops.<br />
<br />
We will forward the info that you have given to us to one of our investigators
and let you know what we find.<br />
<br />
12:22 PM The last thing I hear from Thomas “I am sorry Greg”<br />
<br />
I plead with him sending message, telling him that I won’t tell his ex-wife
what has happened, virtually yelling at him, pleading with him but he is gone.<br />
<br />
There has to be something that I can do, wait we met on Facebook despite his
claims I am sure that he has friends and family that care… About yes there are family members here… <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I send the message “I
hope you see this. I am a friend with Thomas Thibodeau and he is </span><span style="line-height: 14px;">threatening</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> to
kill himself. I have called the Huntersville police but I can't give them any
directions. Please contact him!!</span></span></span>”<br />
<br />
Facebook asks do you want send this to their primary mailbox for a $1, of
course I do, how can they be asking me about money. This is a matter of life or death I must
hurry I need to get this to as many people as possible.<br />
<br />
Copy & paste, next person copy and paste, next person copy and paste…<br />
<br />
I have messaged all of his family what do I do now? What can I do? Is it over? Is this how it ends? <br />
<br />
It feels like an eternity but then I get a reply from one of his aunts, Rita,
thank you Rita. She says she is
contacting his mother. Other family
member start contacting me asking questions I share all I know.<br />
<br />
Finally at 1:21 PM I receive a message from his mother stating “He has been
located and is being taken to the hospital.
He did do something but he is OK, he is awake and conscious.”<br />
<br />
I go to my client and explain the situation and tell them that I won’t be
charging them for the day and that I won’t be able to continue as
my body and mind are done.<br />
<br />
It is hard to explain what I felt those 40 minutes that it took me to get home
that day, anger, pain, confusion, happiness, joy. But the emotions that I can remember most
was Thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for letting me help, and Hope that there was
another day that maybe Thomas could have another chance at happiness.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01991117421761535117noreply@blogger.com0