Oct 2nd 2013. Hospital Day 2

After a long evening of being woken up on and off by nurses and doctors all night sleep finally came. Beautiful sleep. The next morning bright and early the first procedure comes. An endoscopy. For those that don't know an endoscopy is where they take a camera on the end of length of cord and slide it into your stomach from your esophagus as well as the first part of the small intestines. The look for damage from scaring, to polyps, to ulcers. In this case the damage he did to himself was intense. Scaring down the esophagus, ulcers blocking the GI tract ( he wouldn't know this till a month later). He was still on oxygen, heart rate monitor still attached. IV Fluids still being pumped into by needle. The outlook positive by the doctors. .Your gonna live. Awesome! Right, what about the damage. It can take months to heal and go back to a normal lifestyle. Eating wise and other things along those lines. How do you overcome something like that? How do you justify your actions? Therapist show up. "How are you feeling"  How the fuck do you think I feel, he thinks to himself. " Well I am ok, I wanna live and get healthy and better." They nod their head, same ole bullshit right. " So tell us what happened." Really how many times am I gonna have to re-live this he thinks. " Well, I tried killing myself by drinking Lysol Toilet bowel cleaner." More nods, stop fucking nodding god dammit act like you truly fucking care about me! Do you even fucking care about me or am I just another fucking statistic! He thinks to himself. ( A little fact  In 2010 (the most recent year for which data are available), 38,364 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans (Figure 1).In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 13.7 minutes. Taken from http://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/facts-and-figures, In 2010, the most recent year for which data is available, 464,995 people visited a hospital for injuries due to self-harm behavior, suggesting that approximately 12 people harm themselves (not necessarily intending to take their lives) for every reported death by suicide. Together, those harming themselves made an estimated total of more than 650,000 hospital visits related to injuries sustained in one or more separate incidents of self-harm behavior.) He speaks more and more about what he did and why he did it. " My wife left me and I became hopeless." This hopelessness seems to be a general theme. Hopeless without hope. How can anyone live without hope? Its nearly impossible. The doctors come and go. Go and come. Constant questions but one thing remains the same. The man in the bed with the baby sitter. Feeling bitter and self-conscious. Its too much. He wants to cry constantly. He wants to rewind time. Change the past. Someone should make a time machine. Reality is his reality will now haunt him for the rest of his life. This one mistake will change his life forever. The way people look at him. The way people talk to him. The way they treat him. Like a fragile egg that is about to crack at any moment. The looks, the thoughts. His thoughts. His distractions. When does it change? Never