Nov 12th, 5th day.

He is already almost pushing a week into being in the hospital for a second time. He is so miserable and  afraid and wondering when its going to just happen. When he won't wake up, when the morphine finally puts him in that final sleep. He doesn't wanna die just sleep forever. This is worse than the first time. Constant nightmares, constant pain. Constant misery. He tries to stay positive he tries to stay focused. But its nearly impossible when you have things coming out of every hole (not really just the one on his face) and holes going into his body. More tests x-rays and barium swallows and things that just are stupid. They have to do it to make sure the fluids are emptying even though he has a constant pump. Every day it gets better and better less and less fluid is coming out but it still feels shitty. This night he throws up. He has no idea why. Its the same color as when he drank the blue bottle. Panic sets in! How long has that been there! Is he gonna die. Was his body storing that inside! What the hell is going on he super freaks. He pages the nurse its 2 am or 3 he doesn't know what time he doesn't care " Please get my nurse I just threw up!!!!. " " what" " MY FUCKING NURSE GET HIM I JUST THREW UP"  " Oh yeah I will tell him" ... not even a minute to two minutes later both nurses are in his room " you ok, you threw up what color was it. I gotta call the on call doctor and let them know give me a second" " so the doc says its not a big deal it happens sometimes".... So let me repeat that in my head to myself. You are telling me that I have this fucking tube in my nose that is supposed to drain me like a sink, so I don't throw up, but its actual not that big deal, so don't go worrying about it...How about this let me stick this thing down your fucking nose and you make yourself throw up and tell me that's not that most uncomfortable feeling in the world!!! God.... just fucking put a bullet in my head, treat me like a fucking horse or cow or dog!!! You will be ok they say, we are gonna get you better they say... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Someone better be telling me the truth...If I don't get better I am going to well fuck I am going to die... I hope its peaceful... Maybe in my sleep. That would be cool, maybe they give me some morphine! Yeah I like that idea. He lays his head on the pillow. Lets go to sleep. He closes his eyes... Its hard to calm down. He slowly drifts off to sleep for a few hours. (For the first week in the hospital this time around he has barely slept for more then 3 hours on an hour to two hours up then maybe another hour up. Its never constant. and he has to sleep in a more sitting position because laying down with that damn tube is damn near impossible and it doesn't function as well. It needs to be over his heart. So he is constantly trying to keep it there. Its hard but he does feel that it works better and he is not as uncomfortable when its like that. ) He is awake another day done not that he can tell everything has blended.