Nov 19th, Last day in the hospital!

So, I wake up at 7 AM. The doctor comes in at 8! They move me to a low residue diet! ( The day before was full liquids! I apologize days were starting to blur together!) What, ok? I don’t know what that is! I think its level 2 diet ( for nursing home residents it means all the meat is grounded up). But, its not. It’s a low fiber diet (http://www.webmd.com/ibd-crohns-disease/low-residue-diet-foods) can’t have more than 10 grams of fiber…

           Don’t eat for ten days. Then everything tastes amazing! The nurses come in, you're leaving today! What? You're leaving today, awesome! The rest of my day is packing. The rest is waiting for paper work…

So, this is the end of my story for now. Just of this chapter. Thank you for staying with me on this journey. As of now I will be taking a break from this blog till January 1st to reformat and rest my mind so I can focus on my business and changing this blog to motivational and self-help. If you aren’t following me I would recommend it! Great things are coming. Also if you have any questions you want answered, please leave me a comment. I answer all questions! If you have a subject you want me to write on please leave me a comment.

What do you think my first post should be for the beginning of the year?  

Nov 18th, 10th day in... Huh!

I wake up pretty early. The doctor comes in. They want to try a clear liquid diet. Well, that's good. No more fluids through IV. Great news! So, I am getting better, but I have to wait to see the specialist again. I take a shower. I relax. I want to walk.

"Can I go for a walk?" I ask the nurse
      " Of course! In fact it's a warm day!Why not go to the courtyard?"
"Alright, sounds awesome!Can we get someone to go with me?"
         "Yes of course! Let's get someone!"

I wait.. The person comes and we walk to the courtyard. I sit in the courtyard...enjoying the sun...just enjoying the sun...

Nov 17th, 9th day in. It’s Time…..

I keep waking up hoping it’s time for my procedure. It’s not time. One hour, two hour. I am so done with this tube in my face I start taking it out myself. Then realize I can’t (not because of location but because they will stick it back in and I will have to wait another day or two)

God, its finally time. They wheel me down to the waiting room. I am down their 20 minutes ( or so it seems). they bring me into the procedure room. They cover my face with a mask… take three deep breathes… and I am out for the count!

I have a very vivid dream (normally I have never dreamt under anesthesia). If you have seen John Carpenter's Vampires there's a few scenes where the vampires come in and wipe the town or building clean, it’s just a nightmare. Blood, guts, you get the idea! Well that is my drug induced dream but, and I repeat that again BUT!!! I don’t know that I am dreaming. Repeat I do not know that I am dreaming! This is really happening. So imagine my surprise and shock when I wake up in a hospital bed in a gown, IV’s sticking out ( no NG tube I might add) and no one is around besides a nurse or two. Let me tell you my paranoia has never been so extreme besides when I thought I was dying. So somewhere in the back of my mind so its screaming get out of here. But, I have no idea whats going on.

They wheel me to my room. I ask to take a shower. They get me set up. I take an hour long shower. Just enjoying the water, relaxing. I get out, get hooked back up to my life line. Lay back in bed then bam! I am out like a light I sleep about 17 hours. ( The procedure started at 9 AM I get back up to my room about 11AM so I I sleep till about 7 or 8 am the next day. I was out. I only wake up to get some meds then I am back out!)

Nov 16th, 8th day in the hospital. Well it ever end!

Midnight comes and goes… 1AM...2AM….3AM….

3:58AM “ possive noun”

4AM…. 5AM….6AM…. when you stay away three days straight the world plays games with you. This must be a game…

7:50AM “Possessive noun. So, I stayed up again all night. Probably will do the same again today/tonight”

My neurotic nature is showing. I am supposed to be having an endoscopy today. With that they will be ballooning my esophagus and duodenum passage. ( http://youtu.be/nns9O1R1A8o not for the faint of heart.) I am so nervous. But, the day before, they tell me they didn’t get in the anesthesia. I was looking forward to getting this NG tube out of my face… What’s one more day…

8:54AM “ But you referring out as a color its how you use it in a sentence. “

9:48am “the color is a pssessive noun so is the name of pink panties”

10:19am”Pink panties is not even a color...you are referring the two differently...you say pink panties as a color..but i ok more what you mean lol I'm not dumb “

10:20am “it is now im making it one “

Really, this is what you decide to talk about. You can’t just be like how are you doing? You want to talk about the subject terms of using a possessive noun in conjunction with an adverb in association with an adjective… Does anyone really care about that shit! Why don’t you just tattoo I am a boring dumb fuck on my head and send me to town!...(Yes i am really that harsh on myself)

12:28pm “what do you wanna be when you grow up little girl? “

Radio silence… yup… I done fucked up again… How many times can one human screw up… I haven’t counted but its up there! Somethings are too important to just give up… I haven’t given up… maybe I should… I am so scared…. just one thing to go right in my life… just one thing please…

How to be present without being present.

Have you ever made a mistake such huge it has effected you to the very core. I have, twice. I was 21 suffering with a major bouts of depression. 5 days after my birthday my daughter was born 2006. I got to see her not very often but once a week.
This is not an easy subject to discuss. Over a few months I would try to see my daughter as much as I could. I would drive my moped 2 hours to visit for an hour. Then one day it came to my attention that the mother disappeared left the baby at her mothers house. I was astonished. I was dumb founded. So I end up having to go to court for custody battle. After three days I surrender my rights... everything. There goes my core. All my values. All my purpose my posse. Why, why would I do this? I was doing the right thing... I was selfish... I was naive. Absorbed. I went nuts. I lost both my jobs due to my inability to cope. I tried to be something... What did I try to be something I wasn't... I stayed single for almost a year... I thought I was capable. I was wrong. I needed more time. I needed to find myself. Figure myself out. A year and half later maybe two. We break up, I try to sleep my pain away, with someone I cared about. Second time I destroyed my core... After a month my ex and I make up. I get a message. The infamous we need to talk. Not from my ex but from the girl who I was sleeping my pain away with. Ok I meet up with her she is pregnant... What!!! Huh.... Oh my god... WHAT!!! My mind is not comprehending this information. Can't be no seriously. The core is coming unscrewed as we speak... ( as I am writing this Jersey Girl is playing it makes me emotional and neurotic all at the same time.) I have made another mistake.. I have what... have..... what.... depression..... this is the beginning of the end...She tries to tell me to do the right thing. What is the right thing. I try to make myself better by saying if I choose wrong... I choose wrong either way... Please what am I supposed to do... 2 years later I have a son.... A son... oh my a son.... why a son... please grow to be better man than I.... Please let him be a better man than I. She contacts me... I want you to sign over this stuff... No... I am resentful... hateful... I won't do it.... 2 more years later.... thumbs up.... shock... dismay.... what do i say this can't be right... I have ruined this relationship... I burnt this bridge and the foundation... hi.... talking, maybe friends... 3 months later... I have tried... I keep trying... How can I try and be present when I can't be present... my emotions can't handle this... please don't toy with me... I hate myself enough... please forgive me... 2 months previous I attempt suicide to run, to escape, to let my struggle go... It won't let me go.... 1 month after that was an accident. I understand i will let you be... its ok,we can talk... I don't wanna be a bother.... 2 months later... nothing... the sound of silence is so sweet when its nothing but the sounds of tears streaming from the broken faucet that i call my face, my disease has kicked in to full gear now... what did I do... what have I done.. did I say too much. did I try to hard... not hard enough... fuck I will never give up... I should give up.... give up.... just give up.... just give up loser... give it up... 365 days to be out of the clear.... i am barely at the 90 mark... one more time. maybe I can get it right this last time...just one last time... 

Nov 15th, 7th day... The day I lost myself.

1:24AM “ Lol..yes I’m working as usual.”

      1:56AM “that is good thought at least you are working”

3:05AM “Yeah but I wouldn't mind being home….I pay for a house I’m never even at”

       3:20AM “ but at least you have that option some people don’t even have that”

3:22AM “True..but I would like to be home that’s all I’m saying”

        3:33AM “ I understand I wanna be home to than in the hospital”

3:34AM “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be there either”

         3:39AM “ well i gotta get better so i can get a chance to”

          4:32AM “ I am gonna try and nap so take it easy.”

Nov 14th, 6th day in the hospital.

Do you think, that suicide is an option? does self-harm come natural? Do you feel alone? Hopeless? Confused? If you answered yes to the first two questions, you are a special individual. Because, self preservation is so strong to inflict any type of damage to yourself, it is nearly impossible to overcome that. So feel special you have the drive to overcome basic survival instincts!

You are never alone, as I write this I have 1,660 views (grand total on my blog). About a quarter are bots ( non-human visitors). So we will say that about 1200 are real views. I started writing the 27th of Nov,2013. When I publish it will be the 17th. 21 days, with that math, I am averaging 57 views a day.

That is 57 real people taking the time to express an interest in my life. Two month ago I was alone (felt alone let me clarify that). Today, I have hundreds. You have hundreds too!

 I sit in the hospital bed, wondering what my next step is going to be. Do, I try and adjust back to normal life, do I try to finish what I started( to attempt suicide again, most stats say that if you have attempted suicide once you are more likely to do it again within the first year. Its only been a month and 14 days since my attempt.), or do I do the unthinkable and improve and get better (to do a cannonball into the pool of life and just throw myself out there and do something no one else wants or can do).

How can I decide, I am focused on the negative. My mind is all over the place. I start to hear my bosses voice and a co-workers. I must be losing my mind. I have gotten a low grade fever. They give me Tylenol to break it(fever), no morphine (they say morphine can increase body temperature I don’t care. I want the pain to go away.)

Well, whats a few hours of pain… I need to distract myself. I tell the nurse I think I know those guys talking outside. That is why they check my temperature early, I am hallucinating and don’t even know it.

8:14 PM Blank screen, words appear..

“Pray for me…”

        8:21 “ Are you ok?”

8:24 PM “ back in the hospital because I couldn’t hold food down for two weeks. this pain medicine is amazing. It makes me high as a kite and wanna say I love you and nap!”

9:04PM “you

10:40PM are you working tonight?”

End transmission

Nov 13th, 6th day in the hospital.

If I knew what I know now... How many times have we thought or expressed this statement? If only I could go back to change the past. All this fixations on our past! Even, I dwell on the past. If you can't tell. I am writing this a month after it has happened.

Misery? How would you define it? Having diner with the in-laws? Going to the ballet, or maybe a football game? We go into these events with a preset notion of what may or may not happen. True misery you can't control!

I can control my thoughts, my actions, and what I choose to focus on. Six days in the hospital, after the first 17 you would be right to assume I was miserable. A tube through my nose. Needles in my arm, going to god who knows where!

I have to have hope. I have to have faith! ( Not something I prayed, but I wish I had that day.

"Dear merciful lord,
          Please take this suffering of mine and take it from my heart. Allow me to find meaning and grace, for I have none! Use me, as a tool for your ways. That I may be graced by your healing spirit. Allow forgiveness to enter my heart and those that hate or resent me." For they know not what they do! " In your son's name I pray! Amen!"

I have my laptop. Better movie access. I can't focus on anything, besides the pain and that empty feeling inside. Please forgive me for I know not what I do! Together we cry, I cry alone...

It gets later and later, the sun is setting. Hot, cold, hot,cold. My body doesn't want to pick a setting! I stare at the blank screen. It stays blank. I don't have the courage, the knowledge, of how to move forward.

As night progresses, my thoughts hover on the lonely. How long will I be alone, should I be alone, will I always be alone. It's time for the morphine drip.

I ring the buzzer. " Hello, what do you need." I want to say a new body! " Can you ask my nurse for my morphine?" At this time I think I am addicted, I don't care it takes away my pain.

Goodnight

It takes 30 minutes. Eyes heavy, sounds get louder, pain is gone. Thoughts are gone. The dreamless sleep.

Nov 12th, 5th day.

He is already almost pushing a week into being in the hospital for a second time. He is so miserable and  afraid and wondering when its going to just happen. When he won't wake up, when the morphine finally puts him in that final sleep. He doesn't wanna die just sleep forever. This is worse than the first time. Constant nightmares, constant pain. Constant misery. He tries to stay positive he tries to stay focused. But its nearly impossible when you have things coming out of every hole (not really just the one on his face) and holes going into his body. More tests x-rays and barium swallows and things that just are stupid. They have to do it to make sure the fluids are emptying even though he has a constant pump. Every day it gets better and better less and less fluid is coming out but it still feels shitty. This night he throws up. He has no idea why. Its the same color as when he drank the blue bottle. Panic sets in! How long has that been there! Is he gonna die. Was his body storing that inside! What the hell is going on he super freaks. He pages the nurse its 2 am or 3 he doesn't know what time he doesn't care " Please get my nurse I just threw up!!!!. " " what" " MY FUCKING NURSE GET HIM I JUST THREW UP"  " Oh yeah I will tell him" ... not even a minute to two minutes later both nurses are in his room " you ok, you threw up what color was it. I gotta call the on call doctor and let them know give me a second" " so the doc says its not a big deal it happens sometimes".... So let me repeat that in my head to myself. You are telling me that I have this fucking tube in my nose that is supposed to drain me like a sink, so I don't throw up, but its actual not that big deal, so don't go worrying about it...How about this let me stick this thing down your fucking nose and you make yourself throw up and tell me that's not that most uncomfortable feeling in the world!!! God.... just fucking put a bullet in my head, treat me like a fucking horse or cow or dog!!! You will be ok they say, we are gonna get you better they say... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Someone better be telling me the truth...If I don't get better I am going to well fuck I am going to die... I hope its peaceful... Maybe in my sleep. That would be cool, maybe they give me some morphine! Yeah I like that idea. He lays his head on the pillow. Lets go to sleep. He closes his eyes... Its hard to calm down. He slowly drifts off to sleep for a few hours. (For the first week in the hospital this time around he has barely slept for more then 3 hours on an hour to two hours up then maybe another hour up. Its never constant. and he has to sleep in a more sitting position because laying down with that damn tube is damn near impossible and it doesn't function as well. It needs to be over his heart. So he is constantly trying to keep it there. Its hard but he does feel that it works better and he is not as uncomfortable when its like that. ) He is awake another day done not that he can tell everything has blended.

Nov 11th, another day in the hospital.

After the crazy night getting that NG tube back in and not remembering anything after that the nice nurse doesn't show up today. Dang she was nice. He hopes he didn't say anything stupid, knowing him. He may have. Shrugs don't dwell on it too much. It will only make makes worse and that is not what you need or want. Another procedure he has to do today. So far he has had x-rays and all sorts of scanning. It sucks. He feels he might start glowing in the dark. The pain is still there. Morphine is available. Nap time! He keeps waking up every few hours. The patient advocate starts coming in daily to see him, its probably cause he is alone in the hospital hasn't had any visitors and looks like something the dog/cat throw up. He feels worse. Just another day in paradise. She brings him in movies. Its better then watching tv. Most of the time he ends up falling asleep during them. Its fine he needs the rest. Just more of the same. He stays up again all through the night. This will be a daily occurrence.

Rough nights, tough days.

Tonight, I am going to be writing about my night. Tonight was a rough night for me. I walked to work like I normally do trying to think positive thoughts but my mind keep turning back to a time long ago when I was "happy" not really happy just was in a rut and it was better than not knowing what was happening. I also kept thinking of some one who I was happy with. Then I started to think about how I would never find that again. Who wants to be with a person who has attempted suicide. Who wants to be with a person who is going to have days where the world is amazing then days where he can't even leave his bed. Who wants to deal with that shit. I hate depression. I then started thinking about how it would feel to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Would it be worth it this time. I know there are people out there who love me and they show me every day and I cherish those moments. But this disease is not curable. Its barely fucking manageable. Ups and downs, downs and ups. How do you live your life on a roller coaster never knowing at what moment if its going to be up or down. Every day will be tough and every night will be rough. But I know I can do this. I know I can succeed and make my life better. One day. All I am asking for is one day. Please watch me for I will run over you if you don't.

Nov 10th. Day three in the hospital.

Another day in the hospital. So far in a months time he has spent about 20 days in the hospital. Don't recommend it. He has that damn NG tube that is more like a torture device then a medical one ( don't get me wrong here folks without this device I would have never gotten healthy but when you have something shoved in your nose stuck there and it moves back and forth at will for about 10 plus days you would rather be put on the rack). Constant pain. Morphine every 3 hours and at a dose of 4 mL that is some good stuff. Its always nap time at morphine time! Most of the day he spends watching tv or movies because there is nothing else he can do. Today he has another procedure he has to go back and get the picc line replaced because it shifted in his arm and chest. He doesn't really care its just another day with constant pain and mental torture. How do you get better when it seems like you are getting worse? The nurses come in daily, hourly. Checking on his status and seeing if there is even the slightest bit of improvement. Or to make sure he doesn't tie a line around his neck he doesn't know. Either way its a pain in the ass. If you have ever thought about suicide and are really contemplating it I wouldn't recommend it. Take it from personal experience. Most people don't actually achieve the desired effect and end up where I was. In a lot of pain and a lot of thoughts running through your head and the suffering. No matter how bad the world looks at that moment. There is always sunshine coming up. You just have to find it. Another procedure it seems like he has had more radiation in the last few days then he has in his life. But that is ok he just patiently waits everyone has high hopes. He just mopes around being miserable. Another day stuck in his metaphorical hell. Tonight is a sleepless night. He stays up all night watching tv. He wishes he had something better to do with his time.

On the other side of the attempt.

I don’t remember much of that day except is started with “Greg, have you ever been so depressed you attempted suicide?” which I received at 9:32 am while driving to a client’s work site.  It wasn't until 10:49 am that I saw this message.

What do you do with a question like that?  How do you handle something like that?

I reply “I haven’t.  There was a point that I thought about it but I never attempted.  I will admit that you have me concerned with you asking.  Do you want me to call someone for you?”

We continue to work and continue the conversation thinking things are getting better when at 12:07 PM on Oct 1^st I receive the message.

“I am sorry Greg, but I am gonna take my life now…”

“HELL NO!!!”  I am screaming inside I am panicking,  I open another browser.  Where did he say he living now?  White pages is there someone with his last name…  Yes!!  My hands are shaking, I walk into the stair well not to both my client that I am working with that day, I dial the number “Hello, my name is Greg and you don’t know me but I live in Utah and I am talking to a friend with your last name…” after finishing explaining the situation I hear “I am sorry, I don’t know a Thomas…” 

NO!!!  That can’t be, I don’t remember anything else they said and don’t even remember how the phone call ended. 

I sit back at my desk and read “I can’t even get the razor blade to cut me…  I don’t wanna live… Once I sign off. Its game over for me.”

The gentleman that I just talked to me calls back and says “Don’t give up, have you thought about calling the police.  Of course I have but what do I tell them, I have a Facebook friend that I have talked to once on the phone and now I am trying talk him off a ledge?  Yes that is exactly what I am going to do!!  

They have to be able to help…

What is his name?
How do you know him?
What is his address?
Does he have a Drivers Licenses here in the state?
What is his Cell Phone number?
Do you know his family?

“We cannot find any record of him…”  My heart drops.

We will forward the info that you have given to us to one of our investigators and let you know what we find.

12:22 PM The last thing I hear from Thomas “I am sorry Greg”

I plead with him sending message, telling him that I won’t tell his ex-wife what has happened, virtually yelling at him, pleading with him but he is gone.

There has to be something that I can do, wait we met on Facebook despite his claims I am sure that he has friends and family that care…  About yes there are family members here… 

I send the message “I hope you see this. I am a friend with Thomas Thibodeau and he is threatening to kill himself. I have called the Huntersville police but I can't give them any directions. Please contact him!!”

Facebook asks do you want send this to their primary mailbox for a $1, of course I do, how can they be asking me about money.  This is a matter of life or death I must hurry I need to get this to as many people as possible.

Copy & paste, next person copy and paste, next person copy and paste…

I have messaged all of his family what do I do now?  What can I do? Is it over?  Is this how it ends? 

It feels like an eternity but then I get a reply from one of his aunts, Rita, thank you Rita.  She says she is contacting his mother.  Other family member start contacting me asking questions I share all I know.

Finally at 1:21 PM I receive a message from his mother stating “He has been located and is being taken to the hospital.  He did do something but he is OK, he is awake and conscious.”

I go to my client and explain the situation and tell them that I won’t be charging them for the day and that I won’t be able to continue as my body and mind are done.

It is hard to explain what I felt those 40 minutes that it took me to get home that day, anger, pain, confusion, happiness, joy.  But the emotions that I can remember most was Thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for letting me help, and Hope that there was another day that maybe Thomas could have another chance at happiness.

My history (part 4)

I hope I have lost to many of you in this jumping around thing I have been doing with my blogs but either way its pretty much laid out so go back through and re-read what you have missed. With that being said after two weeks of intense therapy and visiting a baby girl in the hospital my life did a 360 yet again. All of a sudden the mother was no where around. The grandmother had her. This was a shocked. A disbelieve another mental set back. How are you supposed to hope for the best when all that is around you is the worst. Next thing I know I am driving an hour and half on moped to go see a little girl trying to salvage something that may not exist. A few months into this its so much. He doesn't know where to turn for support its like a wrecking ball has come. He needs to give up this custody battle because he can't even take care of himself how can he take care of another. He does. Its for her sake he keeps saying to himself. Reality is he is young and selfish. How do you go from not knowing anything to such an epiphany as that. He was being selfish. Not selfless. Its an act he has come to know well. He treats his life like a battering ram. Not a very smart way to live a life. Either way his life circled and circled. He lost one job due to traveling back and forth. His second job he just stopped going to because he wanted to have a life. How do you expect to be semi-normal with no life. Reality is he is not normal never well be. Things change, he again moves back to the west. He hates the west. He decides to go back because its the only option. He has burned too many bridges. All of them on fire. The fire still burning away. How to put them out? He can't.

Nov 9th, second day in the hospital.

I feel that I must explain more in depth about the severity of what was occurring at this point in time. He was dying a very slow death because his body wasn't receiving and nutrients or hydrogration. Did he know this prior no. So with that being explained.The second day in the hospital. He decides he wants to take a shower so he asks if he can the nice nurse says of course. While in the shower he sneezes and the NG tube comes out like a bat out of hell. The first reaction he can think of is really, great! So he tells the nurse and then the brute squad comes in to put it in again. This time its not happening like the first time. It just won't go in they give him a nose bleed because of trying to get that damn tube down. It hurts like a son of a gun! Reality is *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep this bleepin thing* Yeah! Then he also has to get some more tests and procedures done. Blood sugar twice a day. Morphine as much as they will allow him. It takes the edge off. Anti acids twice a day. Blood thinner. Because he can't really leave his bed at this time. He is attached to the wall and to the IV fluids and TPN. That is all they give him. They can't give him an oral medications because well it won't go any where. The morphine helps him sleep plus they give him some other stuff for nausea and the like that helps him sleep. He tries to sleep through most of this. It doesn't really work. * Bleep bleep bleep * Its later in the evening the nice nurse comes in. " So we have to get that NG tube in " His room has gotten very crowded. They are gonna hold him down the just feel it. She comes back in and gives him a boat ton of pain meds and the like to relax him. Then the greatest thing ever an anesthesiologist comes in. That guy is my hero just to let everyone know. He sprays this nasal spray to numb the nose and bam that NG tube is in and down cake! Where the hell was this guy early! Someone does love him. After this the pain meds kick in. He is gone! I am not talking like you drank to much gone I am talking like there is no world gone! He was out. He doesn't even remembering talking to the nurses about books or anything. He thought it was a dream. The world at this point and time became non-existent. It was beautiful. When the world becomes that oblvious to you or your surroundings it like someone cast a magic spell and you get to benefit. He gets woken up a few times during the night medication, tests, the usual. End of day 2 in the hospital.

His story (Part 3)

So my first serious battle with depression I was 19 living in the west and I hated it. I decided to move back to New England. With that my life started to change. I started to move forward with my life go back to school graduate ( Get my high school diploma) find work and all that fun stuff. I was doing really well for the first few months. Was going to school doing all my work, working a decent job for someone in school. Was gonna go to college and get everything moving forward. But that all changed when I met her. She changed my life and my experiences. She got pregnant. I got confused. I wanted the child. That is what I kept saying. I want to have a child. ( A child having a child what a great experience). I dropped out and she graduated ( we we're both legal I just turned 20 and she was 18). We moved to a shitty town with cheap rent and hardly any jobs. I kept struggling as my depression became worse, it turned into anger. I was never happy anymore. I was working constantly with no support. She wasn't working. Nothing seemed to be working. Every day was just as bad as the last and it got so bad our relationship finally crumbled. That is what drove me to my first breaking point. I cracked like an eggshell. With that I went into outpatient mental health facility. 2 weeks intense therapy. 8 hours a day. That was amazing we we're actual given coping skills and shown how to move forward. I changed I started to work on myself. But I couldn't afford the after therapy. So I stopped going taking my meds. It didn't matter I was progressing. Moving forward. I couldn't afford the place I lived so I moved in with someone. It was intense. I was working it seemed harder to do less. It became such a burden to do less. I decided to do more. I started working two jobs. Trying to succeed. But it was never enough. Three months lasted like this. I was just making myself a neurotic mess. Nov 10th 2006 a girl is born I travel 100 miles to see her staying up all night to sneak into a hospital to see this little girl. 2 days like this. Its too much. Its just way too much. He finds a way back to his house after trying to figure out how to do everything. Scene ( Well maybe write some more tonight)

Skipping ahead in time to Nov 8th. The day after my birthday. (Edited sorry it was the 8th was looking at the wrong calendar)

If you are curious as to why I am skipping ahead to Nov 8th I will be happy to tell you. Because from the day I got out of the hospital to this day. I was constantly throwing up multiple times a day. I had to go into the ER twice because at one time I was throwing up as many as 16 times a day. It got really bad there. So the day before he had a meeting with a specialist GI doctor. They gave me a new form of anti-acid. They also scheduled an endoscopy for the next day. So he has to stop eating at midnight and no water cake. So he goes into the procedure a little nervous and a little scared he knows they are gonna find something wrong he just doesn't know how bad it will be. Its a 2 hour procedure he is knocked out for most of it. He wakes up in the observing section. Amazing drug induced sleep is always amazing no dreams no nothing just pure sleep. He waits about 10 to 15 minutes the doctor comes in. " Your going to the hospital" The doctor calmly tells him. He has a befuddled look on his face. "We had to pump two liters of fluid from your stomach before we could even attempt to look around. It was bad." Wait what! (Next time you go into a grocery stop or a gas station for at a 2 liter bottle that is what the pumped from me) " There is an ulcer blocking your intestinal track nothing is getting through. You also have 17 cm strictures in your esophagus. You have to go to the hospital. Which one would you like to go to." What the fuck man. Can't he get a break. A month out just barely to have to go back in. " We are going to have to put an NG tube in your going to have to go on TPN and IV fluids and ..." The words start to fade out he is losing focus. He doesn't want to go back into the hospital. Fuck, the tears are coming he can feel it. He did this to himself he knows that. But, God why can't you just have an ounce of pity.( God does by the way have an ounce of pity if I didn't go into the hospital that day within one or two days I would have gone into shock from low blood sugar http://abcnews.go.com/Health/DiabetesScreening/story?id=3812946) They let him go home real quick to talk to his mother then they go right to the hospital to check in this time its a local hospital. He gets changed into the gowns and lays on the bed just relaxing there not really doing much. They take his vitals. They take his blood sugar 74 the first time pretty normal. Thats at 12 Pm. They wait to hook him up to all the machines. (Sorry for those that have never heard of TPN http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenteral_nutrition) They decide to hook him up to a picc line ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peripherally_inserted_central_catheter) They have to actual because of how thick TPN is. So first procedure he goes down stairs and he watches them put in a picc line. A little bit nuts if you ask me but I still did it. It was intense. A few hours later two nurses come in. " We're going to be putting in the NG tube" Alright. " So what you need to do is drink this liquid while we cram this 6 feet of tubing through your nose into your stomach " WHAT!!!! He looks at them like they are fucking insane. They must be. ( video of procedure being done this guy has it easy. ) They tell him its easy and blah blah blah. He is just like lets just fucking do it the more we talk about it the more I am not going to want to do it. So they do it. It sucks. I don't care what you have had done. This procedure is shitty then shit. The only good news they give him morphine for the pain. Let me tell you he is in pain. This was done about 6 or 7 pm at night. They check his blood sugar again. 54... Thats bad... Good thing he was in the hospital.

About myself part 2

(Please listen to the song at the bottom of the page while reading also on the right side of the blog is a poll please please vote. The more votes the better I can do at updating content. Thank you) I never finished writing about my history or what lead me to start writing this blog so to finish up. So after about a year and a half of dating a woman (no names will be included to protect the other parties involved). I was given the option to move out of the state is was living in to move west. I decided to do so. I told the woman about this and I didn't use very nice way to break up with her. In fact I said there was nothing keeping me there. I was working at McDonalds at the time, still hadn't graduated even though my class graduated last year. I was just free floating and not moving forward I was stuck. I never peaked and I never moved from the lounge people. No movement. So I decided to change that. Why not move West start fresh start over right. Seems like a good idea. So I did. For nine months. God it was horrible. It was such a misuse of nine months. I hated every moment of this time. I was miserable this is when my depression really kicked in. I was alone, I was a waste. I had no friends. I had my parents. I was working two jobs with nothing to look forward too. I got injured working one day. My hand was crushed under a piece of granite slab. Luckily no permanent damage just superficial wounds. Thank god. Thank someone. I still threw up afterwards. I drove him due to being sick and my mom looked at my hand and was like we need to go to the ER. So we go and they patch me up no work for a week. That sucked. But whatever. So during this time I had my epiphany. Go back to whence I came. That is brilliant. I will go back. That will help me out. I start getting cheerful. I make a few calls find a place to live set up for the time a few months down the road to move so I can get some money and get the plane ticket and be on my merry way. Easy right nope. I quit my job thinking something different. Too soon. But that is ok. I just find other things to do. I get the plane ticket and I move forward I move back. To the other side of the world. East coast here I come. With that I will leave you to ponder. Listen to this song while reading. It puts a great light on the read!

Oct 17th. Official out of the hospital.

As of Oct 17th, he is official out of the hospital. He thinks to himself he is going to move forward with his life and keep progressing towards his goals and blah blah blah. Reality is he is upset. He tried killing himself to no avail. He looks at the people around him who love him and he is deeply sadden by the burden he has laid on there shoulders. He has to spend two weeks in a hotel as well because he doesn't official have a place to stay yet and he doesn't want to get anyone in trouble. What to do? What to say? How can you tell someone you are sorry for trying to kill yourself when they don't understand why you tried doing it in the first place. All the see is what they want to see nothing more. You can't change the past you can only change your today. He hates today and he will hate tomorrow and he will come to loath every day for weeks to come. (His medication isn't working correctly due to non absorption I am going to write another post today skipping to how they figure this out but for now lets just see nothing is getting into his system). His nerves are a complete wreck he finds no solace in the fact he is free. He would rather be back in the hospital. But he has to move forward. He has to keep his eyes on the prize as they say. He hates this time of year. Nothing goes right. ( Can you tell his mind is so jumbled on thoughts that don't even matter its just bogging down reality?) He doesn't throw up today. Small win! He goes back to focusing on non-trivial events that don't make him upset. He works for the few hours that he can then he walks across the street to the hotel. Oh the hotel. To be alone in such times. Is it wise? He would allow him to be alone in such a crazy moment in his life. Well if he is going to do it what better place then here? What better time then now? He goes to sleep or tries to. Sleep is difficult to come by when you are so jumbled. Scene! (Don't ask) Also please vote on the poll that I have posted. I would like to know so that way if you read this blog I can ask a few more questions to start up my second blog! Thank you all.

Oct 16th, Last day in the hospital.

Yes, I am purposely skipping day's from Oct 10th to the 15th. The reason why is because most of it is boring as hell because its about 90% of the same stuff. Also the other 10% while is important to my story isn't going to change the fact I can't remember what days they are on and when they occurred. So for the validity of this blog and me not stressing over when things happened I am just going to skip to the day I get out of the hospital. Its about 10:30-11:00 in the morning and he is getting released today. He has a lot of nervous energy and is trying to make the best of this. His parents are picking him up and they are there waiting. They finally release him a few minutes after 11. He makes his way out the building. They leave. Mom is glad to see him out. They keep talking about crap he doesn't want to hear like how he needs to find things to do and stay positive and blah blah blah. He doesn't care, his mind is on other things. Place to live, work, eating things of that nature. As of right now he can eat anything. An hour later he arrives at the house and is greeted by his grandma. He gives her a big hug and says hello. They talk for a little bit then he goes inside. He lays down and just relaxes as the day winds down. 6:30 6:45 Pm hits. He goes to work to drop off his hospital note. His boss asks are you gonna work tonight he says yes just to do something. 7 to 11. He lasts about an hour to two he runs into the bathroom and throws up. He throws up so much. He thinks its just nerves. Just nerves. It will be almost a month before he see's the specialist that says otherwise. But for now its just nerves. He makes it the rest of the night. He feels sick still. He gets home and goes to sleep. It was a rough night. Rough all around.