Whats in it for me? ( A look at why we do things)

I have been writing daily now for almost 15 days maybe a little longer. Which to me is an impressive feat. I normally stop after a few days thinking its a waste of time. So now I think to myself why am I doing this? What's in it for me? I am not getting paid. My emotional status is pretty upbeat even on bad days. I am focused on 20 different things between trying to go back to school and making money and paying bills and improving my life overall. World get ready for me 2.0! Even 3.0 yes that is how passionate I am about these changings I am doing. So, back to my original questions, what am I doing this for? Why am I doing this? I have thought and thought and I always think. Is it for me? People keep telling me its for me your doing it to heal. But that is not why I am doing this! I love to write. I love looking at words on paper or screen! Just to feel the passion behind the words. The ideas, the thoughts the convenience of emotions that are summed up in just a few little letters. So, why wouldn't I want to write this? Its too personal, it's too soon? Its unhealthy, its too permanent? Isn't that what writing is about? Writing is about bring out those dark ideas that no one wants to know but they want to know! Its about digging into the deepest darkest scariest parts of our psyche. But that doesn't explain why I am writing this! It doesn't express my thoughts or feelings about this. What are my goals and intentions? My first goal. To help fix the myth that people who have attempted suicide are fragile and weak and selfish! I am not selfish in an unhealthy way. I am selfish in a healthy way. Our society lists being selfish as normal as being healthy. You should think about yourself and how you are going to get what you need to survive. So why is that when someone threatens suicide most people always comes back to the you're being selfish! Such a contradiction such a hypocrite our society is! I was being selfish when I attempted my suicide but I was being selfish in a way to end my own misery and suffering. I didn't want me, no one wanted me. So why can't I decide my own fate. " Your soul doesn't belong to you" (Bedazzled with Branden Fraizer) Because my fate doesn't belong to me. It belongs to us. For all the people who I haven't met yet and the impact on their life I will make, the impact of the life they will make on me. That is why. For the people who have battled with me since the beginning even though they are no longer at this junction in my life doesn't mean they won't be forever. So let me explain I am selfish. I will always be selfish, I have that right. I want the best for me but here is the kicker! I want the best for you too! That is why I write. I write to help! I write to show someone, anyone, everyone that we are not alone! You will never be truly alone. Even alone you are not alone. Computers, phones, internet. With all this technology we have access to so much. So why not use it to help communicate to others what we need help with? Why don't you ask for help from someone you don't know? You go to a therapist right? That person doesn't really know you, do they? They only know what you let them see! The darkness, the scary place. What about the good? What about the human being underneath? How about the fact that you have the ability to laugh, smile, cry, jump for joy? No, they don't see these things because that is not what they are supposed to see! They are supposed to help us gather the courage to face the impossible! Fuck that! Nothing is impossible, only improbable. I want to see everything! I want to know everything about you! What makes you tick, what makes you happy what makes you cry. Its probably the same for me ( for the most part I hate heights but I rock climb, bouldering to be exact its fun! But don't ask me to go on a rollercoaster with you unless you want me to die!) That is why I write. Daily, about nothing and about everything. I am almost at a time where my suicide attempt will mean nothing. It will be my past and I will forgive and forget. But this journey will never been over. I want everyone to understand that I am here forever. Even in death this will be accessible and I want it to be accessed. That is why I write! Thank you for reading. I hope this gives you the courage you need to make it through the tough times and better yet when times are amazing!