If I knew what I know now... How many times have we thought or expressed this statement? If only I could go back to change the past. All this fixations on our past! Even, I dwell on the past. If you can't tell. I am writing this a month after it has happened.
Misery? How would you define it? Having diner with the in-laws? Going to the ballet, or maybe a football game? We go into these events with a preset notion of what may or may not happen. True misery you can't control!
I can control my thoughts, my actions, and what I choose to focus on. Six days in the hospital, after the first 17 you would be right to assume I was miserable. A tube through my nose. Needles in my arm, going to god who knows where!
I have to have hope. I have to have faith! ( Not something I prayed, but I wish I had that day.
"Dear merciful lord,
Please take this suffering of mine and take it from my heart. Allow me to find meaning and grace, for I have none! Use me, as a tool for your ways. That I may be graced by your healing spirit. Allow forgiveness to enter my heart and those that hate or resent me." For they know not what they do! " In your son's name I pray! Amen!"
I have my laptop. Better movie access. I can't focus on anything, besides the pain and that empty feeling inside. Please forgive me for I know not what I do! Together we cry, I cry alone...
It gets later and later, the sun is setting. Hot, cold, hot,cold. My body doesn't want to pick a setting! I stare at the blank screen. It stays blank. I don't have the courage, the knowledge, of how to move forward.
As night progresses, my thoughts hover on the lonely. How long will I be alone, should I be alone, will I always be alone. It's time for the morphine drip.
I ring the buzzer. " Hello, what do you need." I want to say a new body! " Can you ask my nurse for my morphine?" At this time I think I am addicted, I don't care it takes away my pain.
Goodnight
It takes 30 minutes. Eyes heavy, sounds get louder, pain is gone. Thoughts are gone. The dreamless sleep.
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