Do you think, that suicide is an option? does self-harm come natural? Do you feel alone? Hopeless? Confused? If you answered yes to the first two questions, you are a special individual. Because, self preservation is so strong to inflict any type of damage to yourself, it is nearly impossible to overcome that. So feel special you have the drive to overcome basic survival instincts!
You are never alone, as I write this I have 1,660 views (grand total on my blog). About a quarter are bots ( non-human visitors). So we will say that about 1200 are real views. I started writing the 27th of Nov,2013. When I publish it will be the 17th. 21 days, with that math, I am averaging 57 views a day.
That is 57 real people taking the time to express an interest in my life. Two month ago I was alone (felt alone let me clarify that). Today, I have hundreds. You have hundreds too!
I sit in the hospital bed, wondering what my next step is going to be. Do, I try and adjust back to normal life, do I try to finish what I started( to attempt suicide again, most stats say that if you have attempted suicide once you are more likely to do it again within the first year. Its only been a month and 14 days since my attempt.), or do I do the unthinkable and improve and get better (to do a cannonball into the pool of life and just throw myself out there and do something no one else wants or can do).
How can I decide, I am focused on the negative. My mind is all over the place. I start to hear my bosses voice and a co-workers. I must be losing my mind. I have gotten a low grade fever. They give me Tylenol to break it(fever), no morphine (they say morphine can increase body temperature I don’t care. I want the pain to go away.)
Well, whats a few hours of pain… I need to distract myself. I tell the nurse I think I know those guys talking outside. That is why they check my temperature early, I am hallucinating and don’t even know it.
8:14 PM Blank screen, words appear..
“Pray for me…”
8:21 “ Are you ok?”
8:24 PM “ back in the hospital because I couldn’t hold food down for two weeks. this pain medicine is amazing. It makes me high as a kite and wanna say I love you and nap!”
9:04PM “you
10:40PM are you working tonight?”
End transmission
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