Have you ever made a mistake such huge it has effected you to the very core. I have, twice. I was 21 suffering with a major bouts of depression. 5 days after my birthday my daughter was born 2006. I got to see her not very often but once a week.
This is not an easy subject to discuss. Over a few months I would try to see my daughter as much as I could. I would drive my moped 2 hours to visit for an hour. Then one day it came to my attention that the mother disappeared left the baby at her mothers house. I was astonished. I was dumb founded. So I end up having to go to court for custody battle. After three days I surrender my rights... everything. There goes my core. All my values. All my purpose my posse. Why, why would I do this? I was doing the right thing... I was selfish... I was naive. Absorbed. I went nuts. I lost both my jobs due to my inability to cope. I tried to be something... What did I try to be something I wasn't... I stayed single for almost a year... I thought I was capable. I was wrong. I needed more time. I needed to find myself. Figure myself out. A year and half later maybe two. We break up, I try to sleep my pain away, with someone I cared about. Second time I destroyed my core... After a month my ex and I make up. I get a message. The infamous we need to talk. Not from my ex but from the girl who I was sleeping my pain away with. Ok I meet up with her she is pregnant... What!!! Huh.... Oh my god... WHAT!!! My mind is not comprehending this information. Can't be no seriously. The core is coming unscrewed as we speak... ( as I am writing this Jersey Girl is playing it makes me emotional and neurotic all at the same time.) I have made another mistake.. I have what... have..... what.... depression..... this is the beginning of the end...She tries to tell me to do the right thing. What is the right thing. I try to make myself better by saying if I choose wrong... I choose wrong either way... Please what am I supposed to do... 2 years later I have a son.... A son... oh my a son.... why a son... please grow to be better man than I.... Please let him be a better man than I. She contacts me... I want you to sign over this stuff... No... I am resentful... hateful... I won't do it.... 2 more years later.... thumbs up.... shock... dismay.... what do i say this can't be right... I have ruined this relationship... I burnt this bridge and the foundation... hi.... talking, maybe friends... 3 months later... I have tried... I keep trying... How can I try and be present when I can't be present... my emotions can't handle this... please don't toy with me... I hate myself enough... please forgive me... 2 months previous I attempt suicide to run, to escape, to let my struggle go... It won't let me go.... 1 month after that was an accident. I understand i will let you be... its ok,we can talk... I don't wanna be a bother.... 2 months later... nothing... the sound of silence is so sweet when its nothing but the sounds of tears streaming from the broken faucet that i call my face, my disease has kicked in to full gear now... what did I do... what have I done.. did I say too much. did I try to hard... not hard enough... fuck I will never give up... I should give up.... give up.... just give up.... just give up loser... give it up... 365 days to be out of the clear.... i am barely at the 90 mark... one more time. maybe I can get it right this last time...just one last time...
This is not an easy subject to discuss. Over a few months I would try to see my daughter as much as I could. I would drive my moped 2 hours to visit for an hour. Then one day it came to my attention that the mother disappeared left the baby at her mothers house. I was astonished. I was dumb founded. So I end up having to go to court for custody battle. After three days I surrender my rights... everything. There goes my core. All my values. All my purpose my posse. Why, why would I do this? I was doing the right thing... I was selfish... I was naive. Absorbed. I went nuts. I lost both my jobs due to my inability to cope. I tried to be something... What did I try to be something I wasn't... I stayed single for almost a year... I thought I was capable. I was wrong. I needed more time. I needed to find myself. Figure myself out. A year and half later maybe two. We break up, I try to sleep my pain away, with someone I cared about. Second time I destroyed my core... After a month my ex and I make up. I get a message. The infamous we need to talk. Not from my ex but from the girl who I was sleeping my pain away with. Ok I meet up with her she is pregnant... What!!! Huh.... Oh my god... WHAT!!! My mind is not comprehending this information. Can't be no seriously. The core is coming unscrewed as we speak... ( as I am writing this Jersey Girl is playing it makes me emotional and neurotic all at the same time.) I have made another mistake.. I have what... have..... what.... depression..... this is the beginning of the end...She tries to tell me to do the right thing. What is the right thing. I try to make myself better by saying if I choose wrong... I choose wrong either way... Please what am I supposed to do... 2 years later I have a son.... A son... oh my a son.... why a son... please grow to be better man than I.... Please let him be a better man than I. She contacts me... I want you to sign over this stuff... No... I am resentful... hateful... I won't do it.... 2 more years later.... thumbs up.... shock... dismay.... what do i say this can't be right... I have ruined this relationship... I burnt this bridge and the foundation... hi.... talking, maybe friends... 3 months later... I have tried... I keep trying... How can I try and be present when I can't be present... my emotions can't handle this... please don't toy with me... I hate myself enough... please forgive me... 2 months previous I attempt suicide to run, to escape, to let my struggle go... It won't let me go.... 1 month after that was an accident. I understand i will let you be... its ok,we can talk... I don't wanna be a bother.... 2 months later... nothing... the sound of silence is so sweet when its nothing but the sounds of tears streaming from the broken faucet that i call my face, my disease has kicked in to full gear now... what did I do... what have I done.. did I say too much. did I try to hard... not hard enough... fuck I will never give up... I should give up.... give up.... just give up.... just give up loser... give it up... 365 days to be out of the clear.... i am barely at the 90 mark... one more time. maybe I can get it right this last time...just one last time...
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