Oct 4th, Fourth day in the hospital.

How many times can you be moved in the hospital?Well as many as they see fit. He was moved one more time that day. Going from the luxury suites of the Oncology ward ( must people don't make it off that floor it's for dying patients with cancer) it was only a temporary stay on that floor. They just had to get him off the ICU floor to open a bed for the next person. So going from luxury (nicer beds, on demand tv, internet) They move him to the locked unit. Other people who have either tried to commit suicide or drug addicts or just mental unstable ( violent and delusional). They take the babysitter away. They feel the worst is behind. The worst is never behind. Its always standing next to you whispering sweet nothings in your ear. They take the heart rate monitor off. Vitals are slowly improving. IV is still attached they are thinking of moving him to a clear liquid diet (   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/clear-liquid-diet/MY00742 ). He hasn't eaten for 4 days. The doctors still come and go. Asking the same questions! Always the same questions! How do you move forward when all people want to do is bring up the past? He was one of those people, the past looked better. Even at its worst it was better then where he was. Fuck anything was better then where he was. One day your so full of life and energy. The next your an emotional wreck, depressed, thinking the world might as well end cause its so shitty that it makes more sense to take the easy way out then daily with the suffering. The windows in the room are barricaded. Their is a camera in the room. The shower is sealed. Think of baby proofing for an adult and you get the picture. One phone in the hall to monitor conversations and make sure the patients can handle it. You can't use the phone past a certain time. God how many fucking days do I have to be in this hell hole! He reads the bible daily, he prays, he watches tv, he writes. Some phone calls, nothing hopefully. He walks the halls twice a day. What more can you do? The only thing that is constant is his thoughts. What support? What help? Where are the people that love him and care? Oh depression how lovely a disease you are. Are you curable? No, just manageable. How the fuck do you manage a disease that has high suicide rate? Pills, check, therapy, check, support group, check, support.... Support. The greatest thing in this world is support, a hug from someone who cares. People with depression are more like to isolate then any other disease. With this they feel they are lacking a support group. They feel like a burden to others and don't want to be a problem. They have the tendency to just shut out the world. Lacking ambition, motivation, and the greatest of all feelings hope. With hope the world is a wonderful place ( wonderful being a subjective word here). With depression hopelessness is the killer. When you become hopeless is when the world has crashed around your ears. How do you become un-hopeless? There is no cure to being hopeless. Its just something you have to believe in. Depression sucks that out of you. His choices, his actions. Yes, he has hope. Hope...

Dear Lord,
       Please allow me to forgive myself for my sins against myself and others. Please help me through this time and allow a healing presence to enter me, spiritually, mentally and physically. Please help me overcome this stressful time and move forward with my life and allow some sorta of normalcy. Please, please, please allow me to overcome this. In your son's name I pray amen.

Hope...