Oct 4th, Fourth day in the hospital.

How many times can you be moved in the hospital?Well as many as they see fit. He was moved one more time that day. Going from the luxury suites of the Oncology ward ( must people don't make it off that floor it's for dying patients with cancer) it was only a temporary stay on that floor. They just had to get him off the ICU floor to open a bed for the next person. So going from luxury (nicer beds, on demand tv, internet) They move him to the locked unit. Other people who have either tried to commit suicide or drug addicts or just mental unstable ( violent and delusional). They take the babysitter away. They feel the worst is behind. The worst is never behind. Its always standing next to you whispering sweet nothings in your ear. They take the heart rate monitor off. Vitals are slowly improving. IV is still attached they are thinking of moving him to a clear liquid diet (   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/clear-liquid-diet/MY00742 ). He hasn't eaten for 4 days. The doctors still come and go. Asking the same questions! Always the same questions! How do you move forward when all people want to do is bring up the past? He was one of those people, the past looked better. Even at its worst it was better then where he was. Fuck anything was better then where he was. One day your so full of life and energy. The next your an emotional wreck, depressed, thinking the world might as well end cause its so shitty that it makes more sense to take the easy way out then daily with the suffering. The windows in the room are barricaded. Their is a camera in the room. The shower is sealed. Think of baby proofing for an adult and you get the picture. One phone in the hall to monitor conversations and make sure the patients can handle it. You can't use the phone past a certain time. God how many fucking days do I have to be in this hell hole! He reads the bible daily, he prays, he watches tv, he writes. Some phone calls, nothing hopefully. He walks the halls twice a day. What more can you do? The only thing that is constant is his thoughts. What support? What help? Where are the people that love him and care? Oh depression how lovely a disease you are. Are you curable? No, just manageable. How the fuck do you manage a disease that has high suicide rate? Pills, check, therapy, check, support group, check, support.... Support. The greatest thing in this world is support, a hug from someone who cares. People with depression are more like to isolate then any other disease. With this they feel they are lacking a support group. They feel like a burden to others and don't want to be a problem. They have the tendency to just shut out the world. Lacking ambition, motivation, and the greatest of all feelings hope. With hope the world is a wonderful place ( wonderful being a subjective word here). With depression hopelessness is the killer. When you become hopeless is when the world has crashed around your ears. How do you become un-hopeless? There is no cure to being hopeless. Its just something you have to believe in. Depression sucks that out of you. His choices, his actions. Yes, he has hope. Hope...

Dear Lord,
       Please allow me to forgive myself for my sins against myself and others. Please help me through this time and allow a healing presence to enter me, spiritually, mentally and physically. Please help me overcome this stressful time and move forward with my life and allow some sorta of normalcy. Please, please, please allow me to overcome this. In your son's name I pray amen.

Hope...

Oct 3rd. Day 3 in the hospital.

How do you go from being completely health to a miserable wreck and mess in 2 to 3 days? Easy its attempt suicide and decide you want to live. Still in the hospital being a complete mess. Oxygen stats are slowly coming up. Heart rate slowly coming back to normal. Its a slow process. ICU is feeling the worst is behind. Which means what exactly? That he is not at the immediate risk of dying. Funny thing is that its day 3 of no food no liquids he is still on IV. They decide to move him. He gets a luxury suite in the hospital. Better tv, better room nicer. Its on the oncology floor. He still has a babysitter. What does he expect? No one trusts him. Doctors still coming in daily. " How are you doing, how are you feeling? Do you still feel like you want to hurt yourself or others?" Same questions every day. He wants to hurt them for asking him the same questions day in day out can we have some fucking empathy, oh that is right your a doctor you have to not be emotional attached to your patients, some of them do die! " I am doing ok my throat hurts and its hard to talk. Can I have pen and paper?" They give him a sharpie! A fucking sharpie! Ok , he writes his answers down to the questions they ask. Trying to stay up beat and positive. Its hard to do when you expect the worst. Its hard to look in the mirror and look into your own haunted eyes. Have you ever looked into someones eyes and saw depression so deep that its like looking into a hole. That is what he saw. The torment the anguish the pain. Do other people look at him and see this? Do people think the worst of him? How can you explain this to another human being without looking desperate without looking like your pathetic? You fail at taking your own life, you failed at your own life by trying to take your own life! How do you explain to someone who has never felt so hopeless and non-existent that you are doing your best and you truly are sorry? The worst thing in the world is feeling alone. Truly alone, where no one cares, no one wants anything to do with you. You are a blemish on the world and hinder others. How many times has this thought process came to exist in his head. He looks at the doctor and attempts a smile. He writes " I want to get better truly better." Please help him get better! How does he get better? What is the cure for something this intense. Therapy, lots and lots of therapy. Medication, lots and lots of medication. A support group, people who want to be include in your life. Who wants to be in a suicide attempts life? Do you?

Oct 2nd 2013. Hospital Day 2

After a long evening of being woken up on and off by nurses and doctors all night sleep finally came. Beautiful sleep. The next morning bright and early the first procedure comes. An endoscopy. For those that don't know an endoscopy is where they take a camera on the end of length of cord and slide it into your stomach from your esophagus as well as the first part of the small intestines. The look for damage from scaring, to polyps, to ulcers. In this case the damage he did to himself was intense. Scaring down the esophagus, ulcers blocking the GI tract ( he wouldn't know this till a month later). He was still on oxygen, heart rate monitor still attached. IV Fluids still being pumped into by needle. The outlook positive by the doctors. .Your gonna live. Awesome! Right, what about the damage. It can take months to heal and go back to a normal lifestyle. Eating wise and other things along those lines. How do you overcome something like that? How do you justify your actions? Therapist show up. "How are you feeling"  How the fuck do you think I feel, he thinks to himself. " Well I am ok, I wanna live and get healthy and better." They nod their head, same ole bullshit right. " So tell us what happened." Really how many times am I gonna have to re-live this he thinks. " Well, I tried killing myself by drinking Lysol Toilet bowel cleaner." More nods, stop fucking nodding god dammit act like you truly fucking care about me! Do you even fucking care about me or am I just another fucking statistic! He thinks to himself. ( A little fact  In 2010 (the most recent year for which data are available), 38,364 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans (Figure 1).In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 13.7 minutes. Taken from http://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/facts-and-figures, In 2010, the most recent year for which data is available, 464,995 people visited a hospital for injuries due to self-harm behavior, suggesting that approximately 12 people harm themselves (not necessarily intending to take their lives) for every reported death by suicide. Together, those harming themselves made an estimated total of more than 650,000 hospital visits related to injuries sustained in one or more separate incidents of self-harm behavior.) He speaks more and more about what he did and why he did it. " My wife left me and I became hopeless." This hopelessness seems to be a general theme. Hopeless without hope. How can anyone live without hope? Its nearly impossible. The doctors come and go. Go and come. Constant questions but one thing remains the same. The man in the bed with the baby sitter. Feeling bitter and self-conscious. Its too much. He wants to cry constantly. He wants to rewind time. Change the past. Someone should make a time machine. Reality is his reality will now haunt him for the rest of his life. This one mistake will change his life forever. The way people look at him. The way people talk to him. The way they treat him. Like a fragile egg that is about to crack at any moment. The looks, the thoughts. His thoughts. His distractions. When does it change? Never  

Oct 1 2013, in the hospital.

It took 15 minutes to get to the hospital. From Huntersville to Charlotte normal drive time 30+ minutes. That is impressive. The pain was incredible. The anguish. The medical outcome." We can only give you morphine for the pain but we can't pump your stomach." Dear god the pain. Screaming in the halls due to the pain. More vomit, its black. Panic ensues. Why is it black ? He is dying! He doesn't wanna die! The pain. "Please for the love of god I don't wanna die" . "You will be ok. Your not gonna die" Tell that to the pain. God the pain. Vitals dropping. One of the side effects of the poison. It causes a drop in blood pressure, breathing problems, and other various complications. The needle gets stuck into the vein. Heart monitor attached. Oxygen attached. The pain. Man the pain. 1 hour! 2 hours! Pain lessening. Morphine kicking in. Eyes slowly closing. Doctors come in. Specialists. " How are you feeling? We're GI doctors were gonna be checking up on you seeing how everything is going" They wheel him up stairs ICU. Pain medicine kicking in slowly eyes slowly closing. Family comes in. Tears streaming down the face. 3 hours! 4 Hours! What has he done? Why would you do something like that? Family is forgiving. Concerned. Day 1 is almost done. 6 hours later. Pain medicine kicking in eyes slowly closing. Day 1 almost done nurses coming in to check. The baby sitter comes in. Ah the watchful eye of someone trying to make sure you don't attempt number 2. What to do? Nothing to do but watch t.v and sleep. Sleep? "To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect"

Read more at http://www.monologuearchive.com/s/shakespeare_001.html#t59Kuj6UKTL6bSDD.99

Oct 1 2013, suicide attempt

It was a bright and sunny day in Huntersville, NC. It was early afternoon. Sitting inside of Barnes and Noble on a laptop was a young man about the age of 28 but he looked younger when he shaved. He hadn't shaved that month his face was completely covered with facial hair. He shaved off all his hair early in Sept for a fresh start but he still didn't feel it was enough. Sitting in the coffee shop drinking water from the self serve pitcher. He sat typing away to people on Facebook trying to overcome a deep bout of depression. The reality was he was over whelmed, struggling, hopeless. It wasn't worth the struggle anymore. He was hopeless, he felt useless, he felt ashamed, a shattered human being. He didn't want to be there anymore. What to do? What to think? How do you solve an unsolvable problem? He didn't want to solve any more problems. He didn't want to struggle with anything anymore. The sadness, the anguish, the hurt, the pain, the shame. Pain? Pain! What do you now of pain? It wasn't enough he needed to be punished! He needed to show the world that he was sorry. Minutes passed, hours passed. Thoughts reeling, emotions running rampant. Now was the time. Good bye friends. Thank you for your support. Good bye my love even though its over and we are through. The last step outreach from the lost soul. Friends saying no don't do this. Trying to calm the storm. "We love you. This isn't the answer." To late blades trying to cut through soft tissue trying to make the floor run red. Blade won't break skin. Barely makes a drop. Nothing. What next? He has to finish what he started! What next? What next! Poison! Chemicals! He goes home digs through the cleaning supplies. He finds a bottle. Blue. Matches his mood. He runs outside and takes a swig. It goes down. Bitter, sour, awful! Pain. Intense pain, burning, vomiting. Oh my god what has he done! The pain! Oh god the pain. He doesn't wanna die! Not like this. The pain! More vomit. Solid black. "Please god someone help me!" Screaming. Pain! Oh my god the pain. Vomit more and more vomit. Sirens wailing! "Please god I want to live!" Screaming. " Its, ok son the ambulance is here." 30 minutes! 1800 seconds! It takes that long to get to the hospital. In 30 minutes a young man went from suicide to please let me live. 10 minutes to commit the act 5 for the ambulance to show up 15 to get to the hospital. It only takes a moment.